From my Declaration of Undependence: "I RESOLVE to remain aware of my wholeness/individuality at all times, especially when in a coupled relationship. While not encroaching on my partner's needs, I will be vigilant in voicing my own."

The trouble is, you've got to know the outlines of your individuality and its needs, to plumb the depths of this person you're born into. Not many of us can honestly say we know ourselves through and through, know what we need (not merely want or wish for) as individuals. Many times our choices surprise us, throwing us back to square one and wondering who we really are. Sometimes the surprise comes after a life shock, a great sadness, a soul hurt. And — sometimes — it simply happens (a rare treasure). However it happens, best to acknowledge its value in the timelines of our lives.

If we are to fully enjoy our lives, we need to cultivate friendship with our self. That is true, basic compatibility, a harmony with our inner being that shines through to everyone in our personal cosmos. There will be an ease, a lack of conflict, a fundamental liking of self that is impossible to ignore because it is so rare. How long will it take to achieve this wondrous state? Difficult to say. And really, it doesn't much matter. Certainly, there's no need to rush. Time is on your side. Readiness is all.

Society, though, discourages your friendship with yourself; it feels itchy around singletons. That's only for oddballs and rejects, right? Wrong. Agreed, it does take gumption to stand alone on a movie line on Saturday night (try it sometime). You've got to be willing to take the stares and pitying whispers, but it builds character. And it won't feel nearly as lonely the second time. But being alone isn't at all the same as being lonely. (It's a good bet many of those couples on line aren't connecting with their dates.) But in this society, alone and lonely are the same thing. But the truth is aloneness isn't necessarily bereft. In fact, it can be preferred! Better than being with that creep who keeps pestering you for a date, no? It's freedom, options, mobility. You can wander off that line and go for a Coke without explanation, on an impulse. You're free to think your thoughts and not have to make conversation. You're free to walk by yourself, swinging both arms while taking in the surrounding action … and making mental comments on it.

And still, the world likes us to walk in lockstep. And when we do, when we finally meet someone with potential to be what we want, we often forfeit all we've learned about ourselves as good company in the mad rush to couple. Not necessarily wed, you understand, (the world seems to be edging away from ceremony) but definitely morph into a relationship component. And out the window go all our valuable lessons. Sad to say, that's when they're essential, crucial to the health of the relationship.

Truth to tell, only partners with alone-time experience can look forward to robust futures. Only those with capability — and willingness — to stand on their own, not in the other's shadow, have bright futures. Think about that … hard … and resolve to welcome alone time into your undependence.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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