DEAR SUSAN: Your advice to Gavin in Tucson, Ariz., was sage, as always. A while back, he wrote that he met a wonderful woman who had just left a seven-year marriage. She needed time to herself, and he worried he would lose her in the interim. You pointed out that Gavin would be better off respecting the lady's need for a breather and simply being her friend until she was ready to make something more of the relationship. You added that he couldn't lose her if she didn't want to be lost. I cannot agree more, and I want to share my experience.

After 20 years, I divorced my husband. He had been selfish, controlling and abusive. As a result my self-esteem was at its nadir, and I needed to learn independence. (I had moved from my parents' home to marriage and never lived on my own.) As news of my divorce spread, a bachelor I had known almost a decade e-mailed about us having dinner "sometime." He didn't try to pin me down to a date, which boosted my respect for him enormously. We both felt a spark of attraction. But here's the clincher: Because he's in the military reserve, he's home only one weekend a month.

Many women would find this excruciating and drop him; that's been the story of his life. But for me, his absences give me the time I need to put my life in order. And my friend seemed to understand. He said upfront he was dating others, and I had no problem with that because I wasn't ready for anything serious. Like Gavin, though, I feared losing him to competition.

Well, in a year or so things stabilized, and my job and finances settled down. More importantly, I had worked through most of my anger toward my ex and could classify myself as happy and emotionally secure. All the while, my friend was there for me with the companionship, high humor, romance and consideration that I craved. He never pressured me. Then last summer our true feelings erupted, and soon afterward he ended all other relationships. Now the high beams are on me, and I'm basking in the attention.

I'm not suggesting Gavin join the military to give his girlfriend space, but he should find things to do when they're not together. Keep the dates light and humorous. Try not to pressure her if she's not ready. The last thing she needs is a blowtorch rebound romance; the ending is rarely happily ever after. The knight in shining ardor often discovers that after slaying the dragon, the distressed damsel has run off with another suitor. But remember that women love a romantic guy. Open doors for her, hold hands, steal kisses and all the rest! My man does all that, and I love it.

So far it's been an extraordinary experience. I could never be so lucky again. — Contented in Connecticut

DEAR CONTENTED: What's LUCK got to do with it?! Tina Turner was talking about love, but you and I are into a different kind of love — the sort that begins with one's self (gasp) and grows into the strongest, most rewarding bond possible. Rooted in respect, it can only thrive when partners love themselves — before loving each other. It's so simple, so elemental, it's radical. Which is why it's so rare, and so treasured when found. BUT it has nothing to do with good old-fashioned luck. (At least not in my definition of the word.) Persistence, yes, and optimism, of course, and shifts in attitude help too, but in the final analysis the golden arrow comes back to you. It always returns to the individual. The fickle finger of fate is at work always and unstoppably, but what happens always — ALWAYS comes down to what you do with the cards you're dealt. And that's why you're so very contented, dear Connecticut reader; you've mapped out your needs before making a life plan. You withdrew from a relationship that wasn't meeting your needs (yes, it took 20 years, but so what?) at a time that was right for you. You deserve a hug for taking your life into your own hands, for thinking on your own, and for making good choices that fill your needs.

I don't see a large open space for luck in the scenario. Bravo.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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