DEAR SUSAN: I read your column on letting go. I've committed "letting go" while still in a relationship by suggesting to the girl I was seeing that I date others while still dating her, and it turned out to be very difficult for her to handle. She saw it as "backing out" of what we had. Did you mean letting go when the relationship fizzles or while it is still prospering? — Curt K., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CURT: C'mon, Curt. It isn't exactly courageous to let go of a relationship that's soon to be history. The real challenge — and the only one that counts — is letting go in the midst of bliss-for-two! But clearly, the concept isn't getting through, so let's lay it out in black and white: The way I see it, letting go (admittedly a bit idealistic) aims at keeping individuality while giving your Other enough space to keep theirs. This, while building love partnership. This bit of sleight of hand requires two adults, whole and individual, standing on their own. The irony here is that the freer you hold someone the closer they want to be. In other words, you must let someone go to keep them close. No one responds well to being held captive — whether by love, finances or fear. They may obey orders at first, but in the end their resentment/anger must inevitably erupt and take with it the remaining shreds of the original attraction. (You might want to clip this letter, Curt, for future reference. Who knows? You might even want to read some of it to the current woman in your life.)

DEAR SUSAN: Along with the 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 definition of love that is read at many weddings, the one you quoted from Kahlil Gibran should also be mandatory reading! To that I'd like to add my own poem, "Lovers Leap":

Love is a leap

No matter what they say

Whether it is forever

A season or a day.

For we don't fall in love

Rather we leap at one another

Once we recognize a spark

We think it will never smother.

We can't see where we have leaped

Until we have landed

For some life is more than fair

For some seemingly underhanded.

—Tom J., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR TOM: I recall being part of a wedding in the woods, a Baha'i ceremony, and your poem brought back that memory. Yes, we do leap at one another because we need love so much. For some, if I may paraphrase, it's a lifelong quest; for others, a side issue clouded by fear and uncertainty. But this much is clear: When we do find our soulmate (or think we have), we leap for joy. And for sure, there aren't many times in life that our spirits soar that high. It is a leap to be cherished forever, real or imagined, long-lived or fleeting. Tom, your poetry gene is in good working order. Thanks for sharing it.

MOTHER'S DAY AND FATHER'S DAY. For some, they are reason to overcharge diners; for others, reminders of those good people who gave us so much of their time and energy. For singles, these days are opportunities to turn the tables and show parents contented, fulfilled progeny doing quite well on their own. They can occur anytime, for any loving reason, and are best celebrated spontaneously. Make a mental note to show these wonderful people who did so much for you just how much they are appreciated.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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