DEAR SUSAN: Recently, my girlfriend and I broke up. We'd been dating for 13 years (half my lifetime — I'm 25). And now I can't seem to allow myself to date anyone else. I now know she was the only woman for me, but she's moved on with her life. How do you suggest I get over her? Whenever I'm on a date, all I can do is think of her. — Cliff T., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CLIFF: The operative word is "allow." It puts the next move firmly in your court. You're the one with second thoughts (regrets, really), so you're the one who can muzzle them into low decibel or allow them to drown out new moments of possibility. (Hate to remind you, but most of what happens to you starts with you.) So here we have a young man certain he's lost the chance of a lifetime because his damsel has gone. (Why she went after 13 years is not known to us.) So it is that here he sits, preoccupied with his doomsday scenario, wondering how to get over the one woman in all the world for him. Face it, Cliff:

You're a prisoner. And you've done it to yourself. Trapped between golden memories of a long relationship and dark fears of future replacements, you're revolving in neutral gear — and not too happy there (which gives me great hope). The truth is, dear one, there is no such thing as "the one." There is a type of woman you go for, yes, but that's a broader group. And by the time you meet someone who fits into it, you'll have grown and changed — and so will your tastes. (Not to mention your needs!) Your basic type will still be the one that moves you, but as time passes you'll add customized features. A tweak here and a tweak there. In the meantime, in between time, if you hear (really hear) my message, you'll go about your business. Which is, of course, getting the most out of life. Oh — one more thing. Have the guts to make dating — and all the silly stuff that comes with it — incidental. Keep it out of focus, a blurry possibility. Not for all time, but for now. You'll certainly know when to change gears to fast forward. Your viscera will sound the clarion call. It won't be denied.

DEAR SUSAN: I'd like to agree with you that men are everywhere, but I've tried cooking classes, paint shops, stained-glass workshops, bead making, golf, camera and film production. In almost every one, I've met only women. And at the camera and film production class, I met retired men. (I was in my 40s at the time.) At the country club, I meet mostly married men with big guts, and none of them knows any man 40-60 they'd introduce me to. It seems the ones they know are either "a mess and/or womanizers." So then I tried church, and you know what? There are no single men in church; any singles are women. All the men are married with children.

The only place to meet men is in a bar, and they're a bunch of alcoholics or losers looking for sex, no strings attached. Anyway, I don't drink much and don't like bars, but I do know from the few times I've gone, there are lots and lots of men (plus a bunch of women dressed like sluts). Where are the nice decent men? I haven't a clue. I've been utterly single (meaning no relationship whatsoever and only a few dates) for two years — and no significant relationship in eight. I do know how to be alone and prefer it to being with the wrong man. I'm not looking for a rich prince charming or any sort of perfection. But I do want someone educated, able to pay his own bills, and not dealing with an angry ex or children who resent his dating. And I expect him to know about hygiene and to keep himself well.

I have work that pays well but doesn't fulfill me, plus a small private business I'm passionate about. (I have a few married female friends and some unmarried ones; most have given up hope of meeting a nice man.) My search is sporadic; I make an effort for a few weeks or months and stop when I get frustrated. Almost every time I try, it feels worse than being alone (as lonely and in need of affection as I am) because it's just a huge disappointment.

I almost forgot. I'm attractive — told I'm beautiful — graduate-level educated, humorous, pay my bills, have savings, own a home and have interests. It's not easy out there. And I'm tired of being alone. (Don't tell me to stop looking, I've stopped — I've started — shut down — opened up — given up — tried again for the past eight years.) I think I'm done, although I've said this before and then at some point try again. Meanwhile, I am continuing to make a peaceful life for myself. OK. So now what? — Laine, discouraged in single world

DEAR LAINE: Now it's time to try the road less traveled. The journey within is the ultimate challenge, the dare that pays off with the most marvelous — and unexpected — results. I kid you not. At your age (unknown) and your stage (again, unknown), you will uncover a world and a way of seeing it completely hidden behind the conventional. Which, if you like stained glass and bead work, should appeal to you mightily. You can think of it as your third business, a private one that is bound to fire you up with enthusiasm and make you see your world in a totally new way. You'll hear conversation in a new way, with a third ear. And see body language with a third eye. So much more of the world around you will be in view. I promise you, this is a journey unlike any other. Thrilling at times, fearsome at others, enlightening always. The therapist holds up the mirror (in a kind light) and helps you see the real reasons for your choices, not always the ones you give the world. This is the final frontier, and you sound ready for it. It's the road less taken, yes, and it's not for everyone. But I urge you to consider it.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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