DEAR SUSAN: Here are my answers to the questions you asked recently about love and marriage:

DOES LOVE ALWAYS LEAD TO MARRIAGE? SHOULD IT?

No. How could it? I've loved men before, but I haven't married all of them. And the one I did, I didn't stay married to. I think the in-love thing ebbs and flows, but once two people begin to know each other and act naturally, a fundamental and encompassing LOVE can grow and maybe even last, but no guarantees.

DOES LIVING WITH SOMEONE INCREASE OR DECREASE LOVE/PASSION?

There are as many answers as people in the world — a unique mix of gifts and needs that's entirely dependent on the two people at hand. It's different for everybody.

WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A PARTNER? HAS THAT CHANGED SINCE YOU BECAME SINGLE?

Oh, it sure has. I'm more aware now than I've ever been about what's right for me. I'm still ATTRACTED to the same kind of person, but I know now that such a person isn't necessarily the best partner. Now I think more with my head than my heart — or other body parts.

WOULD YOU — COULD YOU — FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY? WHY OR WHY NOT?

Yes, I could. The more two people are alike in fundamental ways the less time they need to spend bridging gaps in ideals, values, ethics and lifestyle choices — and the more time they can devote to common interests and goals. All things being equal, a man of my same faith, for example, would suit me better than someone of a different religion. Shared values and attitudes matter far more than the languages we speak. — Simone S., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR SIMONE: Ditto here. People's belief systems cannot be faked. Not for long, anyway. Masks slip with time, which is why slow courtship is the absolute best way to uncover the real person beneath. (And yet those visceral cues, those nearly imperceptible signals give their all as an early warning system.) There are no boundaries to commonality, no limitations to the respect and warmth that can grow between compatible partners. Nationality, language and customs are incidental when fundamentals are strong. Love in any country is a rare thing, and when uncovered, there can be no real reason for denying it. A person's beliefs are their flag, and it is easily recognizable to the seasoned traveler. We're all tourists in a strange land, looking for a lifelong friend to take our hand and bring us home. John Lennon, visionary, imagined a world without markings of any kind, without countries, with kindness the universal religion. Years ago, I espoused common interests as the strong glue in a relationship, but that belief has given way to common values as the must-have DNA of lasting love. When the two of you hold the same things important in your lives, somehow the other considerations dwindle to distant runners-up. It's no mystery why that occurs; each of us can have only so many really, really important values. As we change and grow and experience so much more, and meet so many different kinds of people, the effect on us is profound. As our world expands, our sense of what is important solidifies, and in the process the quantity of "importants" shrinks. As it should — and as it must. And so we grow into the people we were destined to be. And destiny has no geography. I applaud you.

MESSAGE FROM THE ALTERNATIVES TO MARRIAGE PROJECT: "Unmarried persons lead over half of America's households. Despite being a majority, we are not yet a political priority. Why? Because too few of us vote. As individuals — on our own, with companions, or with children — we each represent our nation's future. We knit communities together in wonderful, creative ways. We don't need licenses; we DO need equal respect and equal resources. Voting is the only way to make government focus on this reality. In most states, this is the last week you can register to vote. Registering is fast, safe and easy online, by logging on to www.unmarried.org."

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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