DEAR SUSAN: I'm a widow, 38, with a 6-year-old daughter. I've been dating a man for two years. He wants to get married. I thought I loved him, but I realize it's not love that I feel. I must break it off but really don't want to hurt him or my daughter. She really loves him! She doesn't remember her father, and this man is the only one she's been attached to. I feel foolish to have said I love him. — Natasha H., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR NATASHA: After two years of saying you love him, you're only now realizing it's not the real thing? Pardon my scowl, but could this be a case of cold feet meeting fear? Now that reality is on your doorstep, you're not up for it. Is it that you don't want to marry at all? Is he not the prince charming you had in mind? Is it more a case of terror masquerading as non-love? (Facing the real reasons for your decision will better equip you for a consultation with a child psychologist, which I strongly suggest.) As for this ersatz love relationship, I hope it brings home the fact that we have a responsibility to use "I love you" so very carefully, cautiously, after many, many experiences of deep, deep caring. They are make-or-break words, not to be tossed into the air with abandon or driven by lust, fear or loneliness. They are a religion, sacred and revered. Because your daughter is a sacred trust, her needs are primary here. So, most respectfully, I ask you to meet "dates" outside your home for the time being. (All the while holding family councils to explain the man's departure, which may feel like abandonment to her.) She must be made to realize how sad her home life would be if you went through with this loveless marriage. (Perhaps you'll sit in on some sessions with the psychologist to reinforce this.)

But it all comes back to you and the three momentous words that now bring regret. Without beating yourself up, accept responsibility, and search your soul for answers. You now realize the ramifications go way beyond you and this man. You've learned a powerful lesson. Don't ever forget it.

NATIONAL UNMARRIED AND SINGLE AMERICANS WEEK was Sept. 21. The purpose was to remind us that society should neither privilege nor penalize the state of being married as distinct from other caring, interdependent relationships. The Alternatives to Marriage Project used this week to explore the unmarried experience in two newsworthy arenas: the election and health care. Some information you should have:

On average, American adults spend as much time outside marriage as they do in it. Married couples are a shrinking portion of households, parents and the work force. Business practices and government policy must catch up. American adults deserve full respect and equal opportunity, not prejudice and clumsy social engineering.

Staff and members of the Alternatives to Marriage Project can provide expert analysis and personal anecdotes on many topics. With nearly 9,000 members in all 50 states and hundreds of media appearances each year, AtMP is the only organization that combines practical advice, responsible media outreach, and policy advocacy for all unmarried people.

The 2008 election saw 85 million unmarried people registered to vote. (Unmarried households are the majority in 4 in 7 swing states: Colorado, Nevada, New Mexico and Ohio.) From now on, this constituency will not be persuaded to register to vote unless candidates address their concerns. Their families (which may include unmarried partners, disabled siblings, aging parents, or loyal neighbors) are not recognized when it comes to taxes, Social Security and particularly health care.

Insurance is not the whole story on health care. Unmarried people respond viscerally when someone is fired for taking time off to care for a fiance or is shut out of a hospital room even though she is the only person who knows what treatment the patient wants. AtMP calls for reforms to give more unmarried people access to sick leave, leave to care, and recognition as health care decision-makers.

Learn more about the reality of unmarriage in America and the potential for social change at www.unmarried.org.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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