This isn't the usual essay, in format or content, that you've come to expect around the first of the month. The outpouring of a happily married woman who nonetheless reads this column, it expands into a case history of a friend (male, divorced, one child) who in all the important ways seems to be the holy grail so many single women are seeking. (He's not an Adonis; his magnetism takes other forms. But I'm getting ahead of myself.) Curious? I suggest you plop into your easy chair and, male or female, prepare to be engrossed.

DEAR SUSAN: I read your column often, even though I'm very happily married. I'm responding to your request for insight into the state of masculinity. It may help your readers. I have a divorced male friend who has been using one of the big dating services for almost a year. He allows me to "observe" his experiences with them because we're lifelong friends. He's been wildly successful with dozens of highly desirable women who are falling over themselves to be with him. He's been dating at least five of them many months and has dated about 20 of his matches. The women he's been matched with are educated, smart, beautiful professionals. (The main one is a well-known writer.)

You're thinking he's a handsome, rich young stud, right? Wrong on all counts! (He's almost 50, bald, with totally average looks.) But I will tell you what he does to attract women. His dating profile is honest and real. His answers are never the stock ones, but something out of the ordinary. And he looks for the same in women's replies; he wants originality, sense of humor, honesty about themselves, willingness to take risks. And yes, he likes sex. He even mentions a great sex manual on his profile, but very casually.

The women he's dated adore his easygoing manner and exceptional skills and knowledge in bed. Their stories are so similar it's eerie. A large percentage were in unhappy marriages they finally broke free of. They say their men were emotionally lacking and took no time to learn how to please them, that it was all about their own self-centered satisfaction. They say this attitude carried over into all parts of their marriages, leaving them frustrated and feeling worthless. Once the men were "comfortable" in the relationships, all the excitement and romance evaporated.

Another group he met is the never-marrieds who've been concentrating on their careers but now are deciding (in their late 30s and 40s) to share their lives. Sadly, many of them are jaded and suspicious from experiences with men who don't know how to be men. (They tell stories of insecure men, emotionally detached, self-centered, blustering braggarts who don't know how to communicate intelligently.)

When these women finally get matched with my friend, who gives them articulate and sometimes romantic answers, they're thrilled and incredibly interested. Yes, he has credentials — has traveled the world and is in government. He lives simply, in a smallish city, but has relationships far from home. He's met one special woman, but he's not sure he wants to give up his way of life.

He's totally honest with each woman about dating more than one, and even ones who only want exclusivity remain good friends with him, often asking his advice on their dating woes. Women really go for his sensuality. He's very much the alpha male.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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