DEAR SUSAN: I'm divorced 13 years and the mother of three. Over the years, I've met some nice men, but the right one hasn't come along. I'm a practicing Catholic and find it hard to meet men with values like mine. Some friends say I'm too picky, but I don't agree. Do you think the odds of remarrying diminish after being single for so long? — Janice W., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR JANICE: A loud and resounding No … followed by a loud and resounding If! (Translation: Your chances of remarrying are, to a large extent, in your hands.) You've had a 13-year education in single life, not exactly a crash course but probably long enough to know whether or not it's for you. This is a good time to look in the mirror and face the moment of truth: You may not want to marry again. (Yes, it sounds radical, but above all you must be true to yourself.) Or you may simply want a loving companion for a long-term relationship. Then again, you may truly want to repeat your experience as a wife — and this time, you promise yourself, things will go more smoothly. You know so much more about relationship skills and yourself, and this time you'll choose more wisely. My suggestion is to make your church the focus of your social life because it's the logical place to meet a man who shares your values. And they are even more fundamental than common interests. You might consider speaking with your religious leader about forming a singles group. You could step up to leadership there, organizing meetings and forming committees. Instead of making life a series of dates and thinking about dates, this project would tap skills and ideas you probably don't even know you possess. For the moment, put the manhunt aside and focus on forming this new group. You can do it.

BRAINTEASER. In my nationwide survey, fortyish women were asked whether they date younger men. Concurrently, we asked thirtyish men whether they date older women. A high percentage in both groups told us that yes, they do.

BUT the crux of the matter came when we asked both groups whether they would marry their younger/older partner! The older women said NO, they wouldn't marry the younger man, while the younger men responded positively; they would marry their older woman. (If you'd like to read more of the survey in my book "Single File," let me know. It will be mailed from New York City. The price is $20.)

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 39, well-educated, with 17 years in corporate roles. But I'm lost handling a rekindled friendship with my second wife and mother of my only son, age 10. She had left me to marry a man who died a few years ago. I also remarried, and I'm single again. Recently, we've been together a lot and have done many things together. We don't talk about a relationship, but we have one. What should I do? — Doug K., Tucson, Ariz.

DEAR DOUG: Talkative or not, you two are bound together by a son and many years as man and wife. It's a tricky spot, but it will untangle — and feelings will do the job. As well-educated as you and your former wife are, formal schooling doesn't prepare you for the lessons of life. (I know.) And so you take a situation like this, with its dramatic overtones/undertones, one day at a time. Yes, your mind will race ahead of your actions, but your best bet is to keep it in check. Be fully present when you're with your beloved son and his mother. Keep conversation light and upbeat during this period of getting reacquainted with one another; all three of you have been changed by past experiences. All three of you are smarter, wiser, more pensive. There's a lot to sort out. Let me know what happens.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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