DEAR SUSAN: I'm a mature woman older than 40 and in love with a wonderful man. He's much younger but very mature. We're both able to speak our minds; I tell him everything except that I love him. He's never said the word, either. We enjoy each other's company, and I miss him when he's not around. I know he misses me, too; he calls every chance he gets. But we've never been intimate. We talk about the different situations people get into; we discuss books, movies, sex. Is he waiting for me to make the first move? Should I? — Marianne T., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR MARIANNE: If ever there were a moment to stop and think, it's right here, right now. You're on the brink of making decisions that have huge consequences, and some inner wisdom — blessed as it is — is holding you back from the precipice. You and your beloved both seem to sense that loving silently — the status quo — is a universe away from entering the world of physical union. And neither of you wants to say the words that open the gates. And — as I see it — this is the perfect time to hesitate. If things are truly as good as they seem, time can only burnish the love you share and bring you both a union more spiritual than you've imagined. Until your bodies are joined, words are the sacred link; best to keep them unsaid for the moment and let the mutual flow of affection fill the space. There is absolutely no reason to put pressure on yourself or your wonderful man. When the moment is right, it will be felt by both of you. Obviously, you don't use "love" easily, and that's a good thing. When it is uttered, it will mean what it is meant to. Until then, consider the possibilities of this relationship. Does he see you as his mother? (If so, sex might be a no-no to him.) Do you feel like his mother? Will you be jealous of younger women in his life? Do you worry about looking older than he looks — now and in the future? While you ponder those imponderables, look at the ties that bind. Your communication is great, and you have lots of common interests. But what about values? Does he share priorities with you? Is he family-oriented or more of a loner? What brought you two together in the first place? (That might be worth thinking about at this juncture.) At the risk of repeating myself, this is the time to think and rethink the relationship. (He's probably doing the same.) This is a crossroads decision; think it through, and don't rush yourself. I wish you exactly what you want from it.

DEAR SUSAN: I've written you before so you KNOW I'm thoughtful and not a flaming ranter. I've used strong language about people (mostly women) who delude themselves that they are strong warriors (any infant can yell and scream for what they want!). You know that in the same way strong language doesn't make a warrior, strong language doesn't necessarily make a thoughtless screamer. My comments have years of thought behind them.

You also know that iPods and tattoos don't necessarily make an individualist. To be a real individualist takes thought, courage, hard work and the real missing ingredient: honesty with oneself. And on that note, it takes a lot more than harsh language or obstinate certainty to constitute honesty. You can be sure of yourself at the top of your lungs and still be wrong — and clueless. But you already know that, too.

Did you drop the entire subject? — Val, with frequent-crier miles (as in "town crier," not tears), Peoria, Ill.

DEAR VAL: Welcome to the town hall of single world, where thoughts and opinions are warmly received and given the space they deserve. As a woman, I know many of my sex who are strong warriors. The majority of them are silent, too intent on achieving their goals to state their cases flamboyantly in the public square. But when the moment demands it, they are out there, walking the walk and talking the talk that must be heard for the good of us all. Some are politicians; most are not. And right there with them are the men of this generation, good men with solid values and ideas that need to be heard. Both genders have good people speaking for them, and we would do well to listen to them. Agreed, it takes courage-plus to stand up as an individual and independent thinker and put one's thoughts on public record. But right is right, and people recognize rightness (as they do falsity). It's reassuring to know you're out there, Val, listening and responding and, best of all, thinking. (For the record, the subject is alive and well in "Single File," so keep on keeping on. Looking forward to your next letter.)

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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