Single life is a series of challenges. But the one that leaves me breathless even as I write this is the supersized dare to be undependent (aka whole) during unpartnered phases and (gasp) to actively retain that sense of self while coupled. And no, that's not an impossible dream. (Radical, yes, but eminently doable.) What it takes is conscious — and constant — vigilance.

The payoff? Huge. Long-term lovers agree that individuality keeps the spark alive, nourishing mutual respect and adding to the joy of their togetherness. And frankly, I can't imagine a more thrilling game plan. Here you are, definitely not a blob, and you meet someone who fills a very special niche in your life. But in the middle of the joyous discovery, there is the nagging question of how to keep this going for a very long time. The angel on your shoulder (the right one, that is) whispers "game-playing absolutely prohibited." The savvy single hears — and listens hard.

It's so easy to slip into old ways, taking for granted this precious wish fulfilled. You've been with couples whose line of communication consisted of barbs, a form of guerilla warfare that made everyone in their presence more than a little uncomfortable. A friend of mine (male) warned me to be careful with a beloved, and that word stays with me still. It's the one-word formula for lasting love because it includes so much: respect, friendship, quiet loving. Sounds great. But can it be sustained?

A resounding Yes from this corner — provided the two of you hold on to your individuality. And hang on for dear life. (It really is the major component of a dear life, yours!) Yes, we're back to that other magic word: individuality. So many of us (mainly female, I must admit) promise ourselves that we'll surrender our individuality when we merge. We do it in the name of sharing, of course; deep in our DNA is the (sadly mistaken) belief that being authentic amounts to selfishness. Which is, the fiction goes, the kiss of death for true love. And so the foundation is laid for emotional meltdown. One partner — usually us, dear ladies — proceeds to melt into a shapeless goo that hides you and bores him. Not exactly a formula for love eternal.

And so, dear ones, the assignment — should you choose to accept it — is to be mindful at all times of your personhood. Not the usual homework, it requires ongoing awareness of being more than another "single" and being the most we can be. Which means not bowing to the usual limitations of being solo, and instead making our singleness incidental rather than the focus of our lives.

Then again, most of us want to be coupled. That's a primal push, but these days it's taking another twist. Lovers around the globe are eschewing marriage rites for another form of connectedness, less formal but in no way less committed. Cohabitation is the fastest-growing segment of the marriage-age generations because they value their personhood. They also want love and a family. And so they've come up with a hybrid: family life and individualism. In this new form of togetherness, they usually keep their names, bank accounts, friends and interests. Many European governments have names for the hybrid, including Civil Partnerships. These new forms can come with pension rights, inheritance rights and hospital visitation rights. They are the result of new ways to commit to a love partner, and it's way too soon to judge their success. But as social mores shift, legalities follow suit.

Best keep your dual passport for a lifetime.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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