"Love one another, but make not a bond of love;

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music."

"Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping,

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

Timeless wisdom from the Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran slips effortlessly into 21st-century love, universal and ageless. Its emphasis on maintaining one's separateness is its core, eternal surprise for lovers caught in the net of togetherness — and fearing to separate. What folly, when the truth is that the element of space is the secret of enduring love. Within that space can grow the respect and liking so very different from the parasitic dynamic too often mistaken for the real thing. Only novices in the garden of love are foolish enough to blur their souls, unaware that wholeness is the key to all things romantic.

Yes, love like that takes balancing. Yes, only the brave dare make the leap. But oh, the sweet reward! Partners paired as if in a cameo, both facing outward into the world beyond their nest, but notably with bodies touching back to back. Reassured by that solid anchoring, secured, they are able to move into the world of people and interests. Their undependence frees them to bring those influences into their love partnership, confident the newness will be welcomed by a secure and mature partner. Love on this level isn't threatened by newness; on the contrary, it is welcomed for the stimulus it contributes.

Warning: Do not attempt this brand of love helter-skelter. It takes a mighty amount of thinking and planning. And trust. It takes two adults who share values and agree unquestioningly on love like this.

And then there's love addiction. The childish, unhealthy, clinging travesty of cameo love. This is the kind of affliction based on need, pure need. Usually paired, but not always shared. In this sick scenario, no outside influence is dared. Any person outside the core twosome is a threat and treated accordingly. The range of activity for its cellmates is necessarily very limited — outgrowth of small affection mixed with huge doses of jealousy and insecurity. If cameo is the emblem of mature love, barbed wire is emblematic of this monstrosity.

The choice, of course, is yours. You might want to look again at your current romance for signs of health (and otherwise) that may very well predict your future happiness. Or not.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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