DEAR SUSAN: Why is it so important for women to be married? A four-year relationship ended because I put off marriage. Now, a five-year relationship is over. When we met, she said she'd like to be married someday. I told her I didn't. But two years ago she started talking about her need to marry. If marriage is the symbol of ultimate love, how can one leave someone for not wanting it? — Alec B., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR ALEC: Because, kind sir, we women are a practical sort. Pragmatists. If our investment of seemingly eons — coupled with our most lyrical, charming and seductive siren call — isn't paying off with an engagement ring (or similar commitment), sad to say we're outta here. Truth to tell, color us Gone. With no forwarding address. Oh, we'll weep and wail like a banshee a while, but pretty soon we'll fast-forward to a new Possibility. After all, Alec, we are the nesters of the race, the ones who make a home and tend to the little 'uns, so we'd best be result-oriented. Which is our game plan. Instinct tells us to stay focused on the doughnut. (The empty space within can take care of itself.) The prime example? Elsa and Rick of "Casablanca." The true love story was theirs, but at zero hour Elsa chose (let herself be talked into, actually) the more selfless partnership alongside the man who was leading an underground movement against the Axis. Pragmatism triumphed over passion, a satisfying and sensible conclusion and a lesson for lovers everywhere. Putting life into reverse, Alec, next time (and there will be one), state your anti-marriage agenda loud and clear on Day One. That's all/the best you can do. Logic says, as you noted, that someone beloved enough to want to marry would be irreplaceable, but logic is not the name of the game here. Proceed at your own peril.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm trying very hard to understand why seemingly nice guys ask you out, ask for your phone number, and then never call. This has happened to me too many times. Is it a line? What would you assume by this lack of action? And is it appropriate to call them and ask them out? How aggressive is it to look them up in the phone book and call? — Ellen D., Tucson, Ariz.

DEAR ELLEN: Ah, the questions we ask — ourselves and me. (Sometimes it feels as if I dwell on Mount Olympus with the gods and can slide into minds to see what makes them tick. This is definitely one of those times!) The letdown you must feel after the buildup by someone supposedly interested must be terrible. So let's you and I delve into the mysteries of the mind — the male mind. Because this is a pattern and not a one-time event, it's worth the effort. My first thought is that you might be pressuring the men you meet in some way, pressuring them to engage in conversation or look into your baby blues when they are too shy, and they get off the hook by asking for your phone number. There probably are more maybes, but let's not take the time to explore hypotheticals when the only definite answer can come from a phone call. Yours. I propose a call to the latest man to fit this pattern, a friendly call. I know your stomach will be churning, but that's all the more reason for it. Some pretty terrific love stories began with bold women. And probably wouldn't have happened without their boldness. (For example, a woman at the wheel of her car who spots an attractive man at the wheel of his car and then proceeds to bump her fender into his — gently, but firmly enough to stop both cars and have the drivers meet and talk about things other than car insurance. The rest? Romantic history. I kid you not.) So phoning is duck soup, compared with her boldness. Yes, you'll be nervous, but the second time you'll be a little less edgy. And really, that's the object of this exercise: to reach out. Let's turn a question into an opportunity. Are you up for it?

INTRIGUING WEB SITE. Warren Farrell is a voice for men, with a Web site carefully constructed for all things male — and some not. It's a delight to surf, well-assembled and thoroughly satisfying. No dead ends or misleading links. Warren is known to me as a dedicated, passionate resource. His site is most definitely worth exploring. Check it out, and let me know your reactions. www.warrenfarrell.com.

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