DEAR SUSAN: I often hear that older men are boring and that younger guys are more understanding. I took care of my children two and three decades ago, still am hiking in the woods in my 60s, and am going on picnics with my wife. I wonder why male stereotypes are so popular among women, because I know of many such men!

I also hear that women older than a certain age — 30 or 40 — are no longer sexy. Most men I know would suggest that if anything, such women are often sexier. (Personally, I know of many.) The same day I read about a woman having trouble finding a man her age who has some fun left on his meter I came across the story of a cold and dark rescue at sea. A man, 60, and his wife, 58, were kayaking and sharing a moonlight dinner, when she almost drowned. He went for help, and she was rescued. But that was only part of the story. The idea that they do moonlight dinners on the water on a regular basis at their age is priceless.

Recently, you supported the view that every woman should expand the age range she considers. I agree. But you also supported the view that younger men have more to offer in some ways than older men. Would you agree that younger women have more to offer than older women, say, women your age? Age and wisdom go together for some people and not others, but it's more common as we age. Being sexy and fun is also something that some get better at, while others park themselves in front of the TV. — Mendocino Max, California

DEAR MAX: Color me stubborn, but I stand by my view of younger men. Yes, indeed, they do excel in some areas, outstripping older men in sexual stamina and general horniness. BUT — and I stand by this, also — they can't compete with their older brothers when it comes to a general understanding of life and love — and women. Look, Max, the Europeans have known about the older woman-younger lover matchup for generations. (Their cinq-à-sept schedule accommodates it, with the tacit agreement that the primary family will be joined for dinner.) The age difference allows partners to exchange wisdom; she imparts her experienced view of the world, while he brings a fresh dynamic to her life. What you say is true, Max; it's not a paint-by-numbers world. You can miss a lot if you delete people on the basis of age. Someone can be young at 80; some are old and withdrawn at 40. So much depends on outlook. Buddhism touts the beginning mind, open to the adventure of life, starting anew each day. (Ultimately, our faces reflect our inner worlds — whether we are closed and dead or open and willing to take on whatever comes our way.) Whatever life has been up to now, this single space is a gift from the universe, more positive than you can imagine. It gives you the time to rummage around the attic and come up with a game plan for your life. But whatever it is you finally come up with, be a smart single and don't paint it by the numbers.

AS-IF LIFE. "A while ago, in my single-mom years, fear was part of my emotional baggage (and was it ever heavy!). A whole family of what-ifs woke me in the middle of the night and droned their negative possibilities: What if my son never again had a father? What if I became ill and couldn't care for him? What if that nice man from last night doesn't call again? They were bad enough, but then there was the worst of all: What if I never married again?

"During more midnight awakenings than I care to recall, the same composed woman who is writing this was reduced to a panicky child. But one day, the realization hit me that the only way to enjoy my life was to accept my singleness and get on with the challenge of living it. The concept seemed so radical, yet it made sense. After I stopped running from my major fear (that I'd never marry again) and faced it head-on, its power was drained. My paralysis left me. I was at last free to build a life for myself because I had decided to live As If I Would Always Be Single.

"That decision does not mean lifelong singleness. Unless you choose it to be. It means making your life your own, owning your individual destiny — not waiting an extra beat to begin. It means structuring the present in an organized, cohesive, long-range time frame. I didn't realize it at the time, but instinctively I was laying the cornerstones of the As-If Life: appropriate and secure housing, financial planning, satisfying career, enriching relationships.

"In the future, when and if you decide to share your undependence and form a love partnership, you'll be able to bring much of your As-If Life into the new phase. This whole book is a master plan for As-If living, and by being a reader of this column, you're already on the path."

Want to read more of my book? Mail $20 to me in care of this newspaper, and it will be sent to you via first-class mail. Can't wait to share it with you!

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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