DEAR SUSAN: Reading your advice to women suffering from the Terrible Too's, I wonder if men also suffer from it. Do you think Gloria Steinem's advice would be the same for men? — Veronica B., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR VERONICA: A rip-roaring, knee-thumping Yes! In the early days of the women's movement, she described it as the people's movement, bringing men under the umbrella of consciousness raising. The movement she led was to benefit both genders. So I believe she would be the first to apply the Terrible Too's to men. They can be too considerate, too gentle, too understanding, too self-effacing! How do I know? They tell me how they behave around women they like, women who say they want a good guy … and it's not a pretty picture. Fearful of offending or being disagreeable, these good guys morph into wimps. They become clams, with little to say and few opinions. They want so badly to win the favor of this wench, they step back into the shadows where it's safe. Trouble is, it's BORING. Since when are clams interesting? The truth is, good qualities shine through when you're talking about the latest film or a suntan at the beach. You can be interesting and a good person. The reason some women (mainly 20-somethings) gravitate to the Naughty Boys is that they're interesting; they speak their minds and seem not to care about the impression they give (ahem). They know their naughtiness catches some women. They're totally themselves. Now if only the Good Guys would get the message; too many of them are still mute in the company of a favored damsel. Thanks, Veronica, for raising an issue that needed updating. As far back as this man-woman dance goes, the steps are constantly changing and rearranging. And yes, Veronica, men have their own Terrible Too's. After all, they're no more from Mars than you and I are from Venus. Men and women have a great deal in common — a sharing that hasn't yet been recognized or mined. That's the wondrous possibility of love. I wish it to you.

THINK ABOUT IT. A noted author was asked the secret of his 50-year relationship with his partner. His reply? (Fasten your seat belt.) No sex. My question: Would you have/could you have/have you ever had a relationship that was based on mutual love and respect but had no sexual component? (Comments, if you please. Lots of them.)

DEAR SUSAN: How can you drag out the old myth that "the chase is part of the male DNA"? It used to be required by our culture, but it's no longer so. Besides, your reader Cynthia has been talking to the guy in church every week, and nothing is happening. (She's not making some drastic move on a new acquaintance!) I see your answer as a retreat by you on a former and better line of thought.

Frankly, I suspect that some of these old beliefs serve as an "out" when women are looking for an excuse to chicken out. Sorta like "Oh, he couldn't handle it if I said that! So I don't have to say it. Not because I wouldn't, mind you, it's only because he'd be upset." So she's let herself off the hook — out of compassion and understanding for him. Yeah, sure, how kind.

Not for Cynthia, though, she's listenin' to me. Got her man by now. — Bub (again), Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR BUB: Caught me again, spouting ye olde party line: Men need to chase, and women catch 'em when they're exhausted. Hey, dear pal, sometimes the line applies. I've known women who made the first move — and the man on the receiving end showed disapproval. (The question is, why did he refuse? Disinterest in her — or her first move?) This is one of those chicken-or-the-egg routines. You get different answers from different people, and in the end, there's no right or wrong, yes or no. It's a game of find your own answer. By the way, a question I'm itching to ask: Does "Bub" stand for Beelzebub? If so, I'm captivated.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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