DEAR SUSAN: I was asked to vacate a relationship with a man who was having career problems. He later explained it was easier for him to say he didn't love me than face the pressure of having three months to find a job. (He's an attorney.) Now we're talking again, but I still feel I'm seen as a symbol of failure. I've tried to be supportive of him, and I don't want to let go. He is dating others. — Aggie B., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR AGGIE: Listen up. Your landlord wants you to vacate your niche in his life. He's not in love with you — probably never was, considering his flimsy excuse — and is looking to re-establish a base in someone else's heart. All this while you stand by, feeble and passive, hoping against hope he'll U-turn and pick up where he left off. Well, from my reading of the tea leaves, it's not going to happen. And if it does, do you really want the dregs of a moribund relationship? You may not think so right now, but you deserve more than that. (If he does come back, you'll have a loser on your hands, a man who tried and failed in the dating arena.) Aggie, you've had an eviction notice, and self-respect is signaling a hasty exit. Follow his lead and move out into the world through your interests. Volunteer your time to causes that merit it. Take short trips on weekends to nearby historical sites. Host a potluck brunch on Sunday for friends and their friends, a great way to expand your social circle. Join a "green" group (or two), and use your energy to make this world a better place. You've been told your company is no longer valuable — hurtful yes, but not terminal. This might be a good time to remind yourself of what you can contribute to a cause, an interest, your community. Your life is much larger than one relationship. Think about that.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm a 42-year-old single father with a 13-year-old daughter and not much money. I work long hours and have only dated one woman since my divorce seven years ago. (I don't drink or party much.) I love my daughter and am very much a family man. But I can't seem to meet a woman with the same interests.

I've been called a loner because I don't socialize very much. But now I feel it's time to expand my horizons, and I've almost forgotten how to meet someone special. And I certainly don't want to set a "loner" example for my daughter. — Cary G., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR CARY: First of all, relax. Your solitude isn't hermitude. You're being pulled in different directions — fatherhood, long working hours and a need to socialize — and your only solution is to forgo the last one. But there just may be a way around the dilemma, a strategy that makes your beloved teenager the connection to a wider social life. The next parent-teacher meeting is your chance to meet and mingle with other parents, many of whom will most likely be single moms (ahem). The setting is low-pressure, the conversation natural and unforced, and the report you bring home will make your daughter's heart sing. She'll love your being part of her life, for sure. So why not do the same thing in other parts of her life (such as religious school and sports groups)? What I'm suggesting is getting onto a committee or two, mingling with other activist parents, who care as deeply about their families as you care about yours. You only need one woman to spark up your life, someone who sees parenthood the same way, a woman who shares your values. (I've come to believe they trump everything, the strongest glue of all.) And then, of course, there's Parents Without Partners, the granddaddy of single-parent groups (www.ParentsWithoutPartners.org). You and your daughter can find shared and separate programs on the weekends, the perfect place to find women with the same demands and priorities as you, who can understand your stresses and strains because they also have them. Follow up on any or all of these leads, and I guarantee you'll be alone no more. The best part? You'll make your daughter proud. I rest my case.

TODAY'S TIP. Consider yourself an emissary from the single world; carry your self-reliance and contentment to the world at large. By living well, you send the message that being single is indeed an enjoyable alternative to being married. Make the richness of your life a beacon of hope to those still unsure of their single selves.

Practice positive behavior. Act AS IF (remember the as-if strategy of single life?) your life has no limitations. In fact, do something that at first might seem silly and out of the question: Try out for a role in the local theater group; paint a landscape; plot a short story. The worst that can happen is an imperfect attempt; you can always improve with practice. (If you don't try, you've lost the chance.) And who knows? Your silliness may explode a limitation. What a victory that would be!

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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