Q. I've been divorced for 10 years. My daughter was caught intoxicated and smoking pot. She was living with her mother and stepfather, but in the past she had asked to live with me. I said yes with the condition that she go into a program called Eckerd Youth Alternatives for six months.

After 10 years, my daughter has come home to me. This newfound fatherhood and full-time parenting brought out new feelings within me that were waiting to feel something very special.

When I visited her in November, she pleaded with me to let her come home for Thanksgiving. I said yes and then realized I had made an emotional decision and told her she could not come home yet. I then agreed to February, but Eckerd suggested that she finish the program. When I got home, I felt alone and scared with my decision. I thought if it took longer to finish the program and helped her stay away from what she had been doing and put her life in a better and safer direction, there was no contest. So, I told her the news.

I seem to be stuck. I want to trust my daughter, believe her, and bring her home. My fear is if she comes home, she'll start up where she left off. Have you ever heard anything about Eckerd Youth programs? Knowing she's in one of the best youth programs would make me feel better.

A. I can tell you that drug addiction is serious and needs to be treated seriously. I don't know the Eckerd Youth Alternatives program, but you can find out more information by asking about its success rate and contacting your local social services agency for references on the program. If your daughter truly learns to live soberly, she will thank you eventually for insisting she complete the program. If you find corroboration for the quality of the program, I recommend you follow the program's guidelines for when your daughter graduates and lives at home with you again.

For free newsletters about growing up too fast for either tweens or teens, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Siblings Yes: Allowance No

Q. Do sibling order and a child's allowance affect their academic performance?

A. Siblings often affect children's school performance. The natural competition between siblings can encourage one child to be motivated and the second child to give up or think of him or herself as not scholarly. Sometimes older siblings have the opposite effect on younger siblings and actually inspire them to study by being role models for learning. There are many possible scenarios, but there are almost always sibling effects.

An allowance, per se, doesn't make a difference, but sometimes parents use an allowance as a reward for study or good grades. Sometimes that works, depending on how it's done, but other times allowance rewards can backfire, and children can feel helpless to achieve the goals set by parents and give up.

Motivation to learn comes from many sources. Parents' reasonably high expectations, the belief that the whole family loves to learn, and being role models for learning together with appropriate school curriculum and caring teachers provide environments in which children achieve. It's home and school working together that makes the most difference in children's learning.

For free newsletters about parenting with a united front or education makes a difference for the rest of your life, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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