Q. Help! I have a 3-year-old daughter, and it's a nightmare to put her to bed. We generally play games or read books and then get her a snack. When she finishes her snack, she wants more to eat. Then she wants to read more books. We brush her teeth. She takes a lot of time to go potty and wash her hands and stalls putting on Pull-Up pants and her pajamas. After I put lotion on her arms and hands, I rock her a little bit and tuck her in. I give her hugs and kisses, tell her "Good night, sweet dreams," but she wants more hugs and kisses and continues stalling. As a result of her continual stalling, I get frustrated and angry with her, and she goes to bed sad that I'm angry with her. I put her to bed every night (it's impossible for her daddy to put her to bed even when I'm sick or extremely tired). I have a fast-paced, stressful job that starts early in the morning, and I need to get enough sleep. But more importantly, I don't want to be angry with our daughter. I feel so horrible every night that she goes to bed sad because of me. I want bedtime to be a pleasant experience, but she won't cooperate. My husband is frustrated with her because she's tired and uncooperative in the mornings, and he has a difficult time getting her ready for day care. What would you suggest we do to improve bedtime and morning routines?

A. It's obvious that your 3-year-old wants as much time as she can get with you and your guilt is preventing you from being firm, so she keeps pushing limits. Snack should come only after toys are picked up and your daughter is already in her pajamas. Brushing teeth follows and applying lotion if you'd like. A 3-year-old doesn't usually need rocking. You can tell her she's a big girl now. If she completes all her bedtime tasks on time, you can read her two stories. If it takes her too long, there can be only one story, and if she whines, cries and stalls too much, she'll miss her story that night. If she misses her story, you can tell her that you're hoping that she'll be faster the next day, and you'll even start bedtime earlier to help her get ready.

The hugs and kisses are a must, but they don't need to go on forever. If your daughter wants to look at books quietly by herself after you've left the room, that will be fine. You will undoubtedly have to let your daughter cry a few times before she gets the idea that you mean for her to go to sleep on time. You can either let her cry herself to sleep, or you can warn her that you'll close her door if she cries, but will reopen it when she stops. Usually that works!

After you get the routine down for yourself, pass the same routine on to your husband and take turns. There won't have to be scolding and anger once your daughter knows you mean what you say.

One added consideration. If she's taking a very long nap at day care, you may want to ask them to wake her earlier. She could be sleeping too much during the day.

For free newsletters about raising preschoolers or about morning and bedtime routines, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Raising Preschoolers" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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