Q. My 30-year-old daughter had this fantasy about her ex-boyfriend from high school. They got together and had a son. This guy refused to sign the birth certificate because she wouldn't give their son a name he wanted. He doesn't work, is covered in tattoos and offers no financial or emotional support. He's a social outcast and uses and sells drugs. Why does my daughter constantly say that she doesn't want to disallow this loser in her son's life? She says she is afraid that in later years her son will judge her about it. My real question is — what do I say to such a stupid excuse? She is a highly educated woman and very well-liked, but her taste in men is just horrible.

A. Your daughter undoubtedly knows her son's father from better days and must still be hoping he'll reform. There's no doubt that a druggie is a poor role model for her son. Your daughter may feel confused because, in most cases, fathers are so important to their children that she doesn't want to cut her son off from his father. I do agree with you on this one, if your factual information is correct — better no father at all than one that uses and sells drugs. If Father reforms and changes his life more positively, your daughter can promise to open the door to a relationship again. Hopefully, there are other more positive male family members or friends who can be role models for your grandson. Teachers, ministers, coaches and scout leaders can often be inspiring role models, and moms and grandmoms can do their share in raising boys to success and confidence.

For a free newsletter with advice on single parenting, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Don't Pressure Boy For Friends

Q. My husband and I have raised our 9-year-old son with a 'united front' and in a loving home environment. My concern is how I get our son to interact more comfortably with peers his own age. I've tried team sports, but he seems to hang back because he's not as coordinated as the other boys. In summer day camps he makes fast friends with the college-age counselors and seems most comfortable with adults. Do you have any additional ideas?

A. All children need friends, but some kids seem to enjoy adult more than child friendships. Don't give up on sports for your son, but you may want to try some less competitive sports such as golf, tennis, swim team or track. At least he should be doing physical exercise like biking or hiking. All these can be done with peers.

The very best way for your son to find peers he enjoys is by following his interests and joining groups of others who share those interests. For example, if he likes model rocketry, he could find a club to join where members make models. That club might include both adults and kids, and he could befriend both without feeling guilty. Religious youth groups are often very helpful for children who are a little less social, because they involve kids in volunteering to help others. Being part of a volunteer team will be good for your son as well as for his peer relationships.

A loving home environment is especially important for kids who don't socialize that much outside the home. While you should definitely insist on his involvement in activities, don't worry him too much about his few friends or he may feel a need to join anyone who accepts him, and that could be a peer group you don't particularly appreciate.

For a free newsletter about developing social skills, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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