Q. I'm the mother of 3-year-old twin boys, and I wanted to get your opinion on an admittedly morbid topic. My husband's family has a history of heart disease and early deaths among the male family members. In fact, my husband's father and grandfather both died in their late 40s of heart attacks. My husband was 12 when his father died, and it's no surprise that losing his father at such an early age was traumatic (and even more so for his brother who was 9 at the time). My husband is now 39, and while I hope smart lifestyle choices and advanced medicine will save him from the same fate as his father, I can't help but obsess about the possibility that sooner rather than later I may have to tell my boys that their father has died. I know that no one, particularly a child, is ever ready for the death of a parent, but is there anything we can do over the years that will help to "prepare" them for tragedy and lessen the trauma if the worst-case scenario indeed comes to be? (I should note that my husband and I are not religious.)

A. Lifestyle changes, medical progress and monitoring could extend your husband's life to a very old age. The best thing you can do is model a healthy, optimistic life style for your twins, as well as for you and your husband, despite the strain you're feeling. As you model that optimism to your children, you'll undoubtedly feel more hopeful. There's absolutely no reason to tell your sons that you're predicting an early death for their father.

In addition to enjoying your family altogether, it could help develop potential resilience, without harm, for you and the children to participate in some activities without their father, so they can value some family times without Dad and know that partial family fun is possible. To balance that without worrying the children, they should also experience some fun with Dad alone while you do some independent activities on your own. Since that advice is good for all families, there can be no harm done; and if their father does have health problems, they can at least visualize that happiness is possible without him. Also, it will help them view you as an equal family leader.

Although for the most part your anxiety does no good for you at all, the recognition that your married life may be shorter than typical could enhance the quality of your life, as well as your marriage. It's true that when people face the fear that life will be shorter than typical, they often learn to appreciate and enjoy every single day. When both of you are grateful and value your family life together, you provide good role models for your sons.

For free newsletters about the principles of parenting or about raising amazing boys, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "The Foundational Principles of Parenting" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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