Q. My wife and I have children in elementary school. We haven't been happy together for some time. There are no glaring problems, and we rarely argue in front of the kids. We also show little affection toward each other. Some would say the children are affected by this more than we think. I know your suggestion would be to work on the marriage and maintain a two-parent household for the sake of the children. We've had several discussions, and neither of us is interested in marriage counseling.

I've read some about divorce and children. The statistics do not look good. Is it better for the kids to have two parents in the house who act like roommates or two divorced parents who remain involved in their lives? Thank you for any direction you can give us.

A. You're correct that my first advice would be to try counseling. I can't know about the quality of your marriage and how you could improve it, but you undoubtedly felt love for each other initially. Often that love can be reclaimed and improved.

Children are always at greater risk after a divorce, but many children adjust well, particularly if it's a good divorce and the parents remain friends. For the children, much can also depend on the people you and your wife choose to spend the rest of your lives with, because two additional people come with their own issues and are likely to affect your children dramatically. You can see there are many unknowns.

If you and your wife are truly unhappy together, you are not ideal role models for your children. But parents who don't even try to search for improvement in their relationship are not good examples for solving lifelong problems either. I would urge you to try a few sessions of counseling before you dissolve your marriage. If you don't, it's possible that either or both of you will divorce, then remarry and wish for the good old days of living with a supportive friend.

For a free newsletter about helping children cope with divorce, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Special Patience For Asperger's Child

Q. I have a 5-year-old grandson with Asperger's Disorder. His parents have been trying to toilet train him. Sometimes he'll let them know that he wants to go to the toilet, but a lot of times he doesn't and wets his diaper. It's very frustrating for everyone. Any ideas?

A. Potty training is frustrating for most parents, but some children are easier than others. Children with Asperger's Disorder may be less sensitive to parents' emotional responses than others. As a result, they're likely to make good progress only if consequences are very consistent. An actual token, sticker or if there are no weight problems, a special food for every successful pee in the potty can go a long way toward encouraging your grandson's success. Although praise is always welcome, it may not be as effective alone, without a prize, as it would be for other children. Asperger's Disordered children do require a bit more patience than others.

For a free newsletter about raising preschoolers and potty training, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Raising Preschoolers" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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