Q. My daughter has been having a terrible time adjusting to her in-laws, especially since her son was born. She calls in tears and vents to me so that she won't blow up as much at her in-laws, but it's building to a point where I believe it's affecting her marriage. I've asked her to find a family counselor, and I've offered to pay for the service. I'd like for her and her husband to figure out how to manage the situation together.

Our families are complete polar opposites. I spent most of my adult life in the military traveling the world and married a woman who grew up in the military. We raised our children to be thinkers, to seek answers, make mistakes and adjust accordingly. We gave them space and the support they needed. My daughter now faces a family that lives in each other's pocket and controls the actions of all their kids.

Since our grandson was born, the other grandparents have made a bedroom for the baby and outfitted it with clothes they bought and when the baby visits, they immediately undress the baby and put him into the clothes they have. Furthermore, they took the baby for his first professionally done photo and our daughter didn't know until it arrived as a Christmas gift for them (not bad on the surface). The kicker is that the grandparents sent this photo out to their friends announcing the arrival of their grandson.

Our daughter's family moved to Colorado because she wants to go back to school to get her master's degree and teach. Her in-laws purchased property to build a home nearby. They spend a week every month in Colorado "so we can see our grandbaby" and it's making our daughter feel trapped. She can't seem to explain to them that what they're doing isn't what she wants.

During one visit, the grandfather took a shower with her son. My daughter was shocked and considers it like an act of pedophilia. To them, it's natural. To her, it's an invasion of her family's space. To them, it's their right, and she's being too sensitive and strict. My daughter believes they're acting as if the baby is theirs, and their grandchild is their life.

Are these overbearing grandparents or are they just people who have such strong family connections that they can't let anyone out of their control? I'd appreciate advice on how to prevent further conflict.

A. These are overbearing grandparents to your daughter, but they may be acting exactly the way your son-in-law expects. It's truly a clash of cultures and not an easy problem to solve. I'd suggest at least four counseling sessions. First, the couple could meet with the counselor. Then each of the sets of grandparents could have separate meetings. Finally, the counselor could try to put a full family meeting together. Setting grandparenting rules and guidelines that represent family compromises, as well as permitting the parents sufficient privacy, could help everyone to understand cultural differences. The grandparents should understand that their impositions may pose great risk for this marriage and for their grandchildren. Your daughter will need to be sensitive to grandparents' rights to enjoy some time and personal traditions with their grandchildren. The couple will definitely need the help of a counselor to convince the grandparents that their children need privacy.

These counseling sessions won't be easy, but I see no other way your independent daughter will be able to adjust to what feels like an intrusion to her and feels like inappropriate expressions of love from her in-laws.

For a free newsletter about grandparenting do's and don'ts, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094, or read "Grandparenting Do's and Don'ts" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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