Q. I have an 8-year-old son who's very intelligent. He has a remarkable memory and gets very good grades. Overall, he's a good kid, but at times when he gets upset, he explodes. This happens about three or four times a week. It can be about something as simple as cleaning up the dishes or his 4-year-old sister hanging on him and wanting to play. Sometimes he even will say he wants to kill himself or just be dead. I've tried to tell him that kind of talk is not acceptable in our house, but he still says it. I also have asked him to leave the house until he calms down and then we can talk. But even when he calms down and we talk, he gets very loud about what he says happens or why it makes him so angry. He has a 12-year-old brother and 4- and 10-year-old sisters. He has several friends at school and seems to get along with them very well. He seems to worry about a lot of things and doesn't know how to brush them off. Any advice on how to handle these situations and why he flips out so much?

A. Your son surely is intense and needs help controlling his anger. I noticed that you mentioned that his anger is sometimes directed at his younger sister. I expect after being baby of the family for four years, he may be experiencing some sibling rivalry with her, particularly because his anger hasn't shown itself in school or among his friends.

I don't mean to oversimplify or diagnose his problem based only on a letter, but although threats of killing himself or wishing to be dead may only be manipulations that are unacceptable in your home, they should be taken very seriously. A psychologist should evaluate your son to rule out other potential problems. Also, instead of asking your son to leave the house until he calms down, I suggest he go to his room and try to relax to calm down. Leaving the house in anger could lead him to dangerous behaviors you might not be able to supervise. Because he already has threatened to harm himself, sending him out of the home could cause him to feel rejected and even desperate. If you explain to him at a time of calmness that he can use his own room to relax or let out his feelings, he's more likely to understand that you care about him. An excellent book for helping your son to control his anger is "How to Take the Grrrr Out of Anger."

For a free newsletter about sibling rivalry or discipline for little, middle or big children, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094, or read "Tips for Reducing Sibling Rivalry" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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