Q. I've been dating a lady who has 14- and 17-year-old sons. I have a 26-year-old son and a 28-year-old daughter. I taught my kids to be respectful not only to me but to everyone. My kids have shown my friend respect to the fullest and have never been disrespectful to me. Her kids are rude and very disrespectful towards her, and she gives them things even when they don't deserve them. When we're alone and away from her kids we are the happiest; but when we're around her kids, it's bad news. I love her dearly and try my best to make her happy. I can say that her kids are going to be the reason I leave. I'll never invite my kids to a gathering where her kids are going to be at because of their attitude. I'm trying my best to keep both worlds apart from each other. I'm at the end of my rope in this relationship. I need advice.

A. Two disrespectful sons can learn to be respectful if you and this woman choose to become partners; but make no mistake about it, their disrespect won't automatically disappear. If your friend thinks their behavior is acceptable, you're unlikely to be able to make changes despite your love for her. On the other hand, if she agrees they are a problem and is willing to go to counseling, she should be able to learn to set limits and they may improve. I say "may" because there are probably other people involved, like the children's father and peers who also influence them. You can't assume that if you marry this woman, your stepchildren will learn to be respectful under your guidance. Although stepfathers can be very influential, if they are stricter than mothers, it usually antagonizes children and causes problems between husbands and wives.

Unless things improve dramatically, I expect you'll have to give up this love of your life or at least wait several years until her sons are on their own and out of the house. I assume you've already talked to your friend about this problem. If not, the time for honest discussion is now.

For a free newsletter about helping children cope after divorce, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Even Babies Can Sleep Alone

Q. My daughter and her husband have a delightful new baby boy. I recall hearing you on the radio discouraging sleeping with a child. At what age is it no longer advisable to allow the child to sleep in the marital bed? What are the chief reasons for that?

A. There's no consistent research that shows that co-sleeping with children does long-term harm to them, nor is there any research that shows that co-sleeping is good for children. However, new parents need as much sleep as possible and, as the mother feels stronger, the couple should resume normal intimate relationships. That's tricky to do with a toddler in their bed.

The co-sleeping habit is often difficult for children to break, and most parents tire of it. It seems better not to get the habit started. Family cuddling in the morning or when a thunderstorm temporarily frightens children is a good approach for offering family fun and closeness without depriving parents of essential privacy and good sleep.

For a free newsletter about children with fears and fearful children, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094, or read other parenting articles at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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