Q. Hello! I'm trying to reach out to you as I feel very helpless in parenting my 7-year-old son. He misbehaves, and we've tried disciplining him by taking away his toys, not allowing him to sleep with us, and taking most of his privileges away. This has been an ongoing problem since we had our second child who is now 3½ years old.

He also took a quarter from one of his friends recently without telling her. He was always an honest kid and now I catch him lying. I'm at a loss on how to handle him and get him back. I am very sad. Please help!

A. I often refer to the dramatic change in personality that is related to the arrival of a second sibling as dethronement. It's an extreme form of sibling rivalry that typically begins to show itself when the second child is about a year old. The older child, who typically was cheerful and happy, changes to become angry, sad, or aggressive as he learns that his problem behaviors attract and hold his parents' attention. This is more extreme than typical sibling rivalry. Most older children experience feelings of competition, but they usually handle it in positive ways by achieving and attracting their parents' attention through their accomplishments. Your son undoubtedly feels rejected and doesn't believe he can regain the love and status he felt before his sibling arrived — thus the extreme behavior.

You can usually reduce the feelings of rejection and misbehavior by giving the older child some daily one-on-one time, a special date once a week with you or his father without his sibling, stickers for days when he's nice to his sister or brother and some special privileges that can be added because he's older. Those privileges provide him with important status and confidence. If you overdo the punishing, your son may feel even worse, so timing him out in his room if he's aggressive or mean is sufficient to make your point without causing him to feel helpless about his life. The goal of time-out is to withdraw attention from him; so if he wants attention, only the positive behaviors will be effective.

Also, when you talk about his behavior to others within his hearing (referential speaking), be sure to comment on his good and sharing behaviors. Don't let him hear that you feel helpless to change his problem behaviors or he will surely think he can't improve them. Be patient and positive, and you'll recover the happy boy you remember.

For a free newsletter about sibling rivalry, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Tips for Reducing Sibling Rivalry" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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