Q. I left my teaching job to become a financial advisor. I was talking to a teacher's aide I used to work with about setting up a simple, tax-deferred IRA and how she might find some money to put in it.

This woman mentioned her daughter has been suspended twice already this year. Last year her daughter spent one out of five school days in detention or skipping class. The girl is 12.

I asked the woman what she does about Christmas/birthdays, and she said she usually spends heavily. I suggested that she forget about gifts this Christmas, and put the money into her IRA instead. Now the woman has to make a tough decision. She knows I'm giving her good advice, after all her kid doesn't NEED Christmas presents, nor does her behavior merit reward. Yet she's afraid she'll hurt her daughter by not "having something under the tree, for Christmas."

If the parent says, "no gifts this Christmas because your behavior is unacceptable" will it make things worse? She tells me she knows she has to start saving more for her retirement (so far she has nothing but her pension which could disappear in the event of a layoff or financial mishap) and her savings, which she says are close to nothing. Does this idea seem constructive or destructive?

A. A 12-year-old who is in continuous trouble has not internalized self-control and boundaries very well, and I expect that a mother who overspends at Christmas hasn't either. The mother needs to learn to set limits for herself as well as for her daughter, but that doesn't mean that you're giving the mother a good plan for her daughter. Despite the girl's poor behavior, depriving her entirely of Christmas gifts will only cause sadness and anger for the family. In general, the mom should spend less, and save a little more. Yes, there should be consequences for the girl's inappropriate behavior, but consequences at the time of the behavior are much more effective than taking all of Christmas away. As a former teacher, and now financial advisor, you could be thinking more about your pocket book than the child. While you may be accomplishing something that would in the long run help the mother, it could be more destructive than constructive for the child. This girl may have serious problems and this mother needs professional help to devise a good plan for parenting her daughter.

For free newsletters about the principles of parenting or discipline, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "The Foundational Principles of Parenting" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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