Q. I'm a stepmother to four children, but three are grown so only our 14-year-old boy lives with us. He goes into our bedroom and takes stuff. When we approach him on it, he lies and says he didn't do it. My husband does nothing about it.

Just recently we went to a friend's house and he stole a bottle of alcohol. We found the empty bottle in his room. He denied stealing it. The next day, we found that he had transferred the rum to water bottles mixed with orange juice and was actually drinking it in front of us. When he was approached by his father, he denied it again and had a tantrum. He does that every time he does something wrong and then gets away with it.

When I talk to my husband about it, he gets very defensive and that doesn't help. Truly, I don't know what to do. Should I just keep out of it?

A. Your stepson will probably paint you as the "evil stepmother" if you get involved in trying to discipline him, and his father will undoubtedly become overprotective for fear you're being too hard on him. Lock up your money and jewelry, and don't try to discipline him until his father begs for your help. He's manipulating to get his father on his side against you and that will likely be impossible for your marriage. A few more years and he'll be out of your home, and perhaps begging for your help and guidance. Until then, take him shopping, bond with him and find his best strengths to enjoy and let his dad do the disciplining.

Your partner will finally acknowledge that his son has serious problems. Then I recommend that the two of you and your stepson go to a psychologist for some parenting advice. Eventually, you must be united to guide this boy, but since that doesn't seem possible at this point, let the boy's father take the lead for discipline and you can participate as the "good-time mom."

For free newsletters about helping children cope after divorce, or about parenting with a united front, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Potty Training Problems Again

Q. I'm at my wits' end. My son just turned 4 and absolutely refuses to use the potty. I started putting him in underpants, taking him into the bathroom at regular intervals, talking up the potty, removing privileges and offering rewards. Nothing works! How do I train a stubborn boy?

Q. I have a child who wets her pants day and night and is now 9 years old. How can I get her to stop?

A. For the stubborn boy, wait a few months, then put him in training pants again and start all over patiently. Don't punish, but use stickers or simple rewards for each success. Eventually he'll be trained, but some children do take longer. On the other hand, a 9 year old who is still wetting has more serious problems. You should probably check with a urologist about your daughter. Consider also the possibility of food allergies like orange juice, milk, or bread and if these don't yield a solution, a psychologist may be able to guide you.

For a free newsletter about raising preschoolers and potty training, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Raising Preschoolers" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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