Monday, June 23

Confront school about racy photos

DR. WALLACE: Our daughter is concerned about nude pictures her son is receiving on his cell phone from his 8th grade female classmates. The girls take their own (and group) pictures and e-mail them to selected boys in their class. The boys got in trouble when caught texting in class - against school regulations. However, when the school principal confiscated the cell phones she also found the girls' pictures. Some pictures were of the girls group flashing - taken in the school's girls' restroom mirrors.

Our daughter is concerned about how or who should handle the problem. She is reluctant to personally confront the girls or their parents and would prefer the school administration do it. She had previously talked to one of the girls when she found similar pictures on their home computer. It evidently did not do any good. Her latest action has been to take away her son's cell phone and closely monitor his home computer.

What do you think her best course of action is - expect the school to act or contact the girl's parents directly? - Grandmother, Miami.

GRANDMOTHER: Since the stupid and indecent act took place on school grounds, allow the school administration to severely discipline the girls involved and then work with the parents to make sure that this unacceptable behavior comes to an immediate halt.

Exhaust all available school sources (your school principal, district superintendent, district school board) before dealing directly with the parents of the girls. A competent school principal will handle this incident to your daughter's satisfaction.

TIME HAS COME TO GET IN YOUR WALLOPS

DR. WALLACE: I'm 12 and live alone with my mother. My father died several years ago. A boy who lives near me is always picking on me. He calls me names, hits me and has stolen things from me. My mother has told me that the time has come for me to stand up for myself and to defend myself if this bully bothers me again. I want to do that because even if he whips me, I'll get in a few good wallops.

My grandmother (dad's mom) says that fighting never solves anything and that I should pray for this boy. What do you think I should do? - Nameless, Toledo, Ohio.

NAMELESS: I think the time has come to defend yourself. If this bully picks on you again, get in a few good wallops in retaliation and give him one for me - then pray for him.

I'm well aware that many parents will disagree with my "stand up for yourself" advice, but I'd say they had never been bullied as a young person. Those who had been bullied contact me and almost all say they were sorry they didn't "fight back".

Bullies have made life miserable for those who are harassed, punched, kicked and threatened. The great majority of bullies are cowards and bullying those who are smaller or weaker gives them a false sense of power. The bully hopes the victims continue to "turn the other cheek" because they will continue their power play.

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'TWEEN 12 AND 20

Tuesday, June 24

By Dr. Robert Wallace

Copley News Service

Time for teen to start spending ... frugally

DR. WALLACE: I'm 16 and baby-sit for my neighbor. I make about $40 a week. I've been baby-sitting for about seven months and have earned more than $1,000. All of it is in a bank savings account because my parents refuse to allow me to spend one penny of my earnings. They keep telling me they're teaching me to save for a rainy day.

I don't think this is fair, do you? I think I should be allowed to spend some of my earnings when the days are sunny and bright. My parents encouraged me to write for your opinion. - Jessica, Goshen, Ind.

JESSICA: I'm definitely in favor of teens learning the value of money and getting into the saving habit, not just for rainy days but for long-term goals such as going to college or the South of France, buying a car, etc.

However, saving every last penny seems unreasonable. You should, I agree, be able to spend some of your earnings now, on days that are sunny and bright. Banking 50 percent of what you earn strikes me as a happy compromise. After all, part of learning the value of money is learning how to spend it wisely. This takes practice!

FRIENDSHIP COMES BEFORE ROMANCE

DR. WALLACE: I'm 16 and my best friend is also 16. What is unusual is that I'm a girl and my best friend is a guy. We've been best friends for over a year. We met at a party and it was "best friends at first sight." Wesley is kind and caring and a real super guy. I can share a lot of my problems with him and he can share his with me. We have a lot in common and talk to each other at least 30 minutes every evening on the telephone.

Lately, I have started to have romantic thoughts about him. I'd really like to go out with him, but I don't want to jeopardize the present relationship. I'd be extremely hurt if I asked him out and he said no. What do you think I should do? - Sonja, Frederick, Md.

SONJA: Romance can't turn into love and a long-term relationship unless the guy and the girl are good friends. You and Wesley are already there. Ask him to accompany you to a movie and a snack afterward. I'm positive the answer will be yes. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

BOYFRIEND AND HIS LYING WAYS HAVE TO GO

DR. WALLACE: I'm 18 and engaged to be married in seven months to a guy I've been dating for over three years. He has many good qualities, but he has one major flaw - he lies. Last month we went to a party and he told a bunch of people that his dad was a criminal lawyer. He should have left off the word "lawyer," because his dad is a criminal and is serving time for armed robbery.

He has told my parents and me that he has $20,000 in the bank, a gift from his grandmother, but when we ask to see a record of the deposit, he always seems to discover that he can't find it. Finally, I got up enough courage to ask his grandmother if she indeed gave her grandson $20,000 and all she could do was laugh and say that he has a wild imagination.

I can't even count the number of times he has told lies to my friends. Last week he told my best friend that we had put $10,000 down on a new home. That is simply not true. We don't even have 10,000 dimes.

Believe it or not, I love this guy, but I'm disappointed that he lies so much. What should I do? I've talked to him, but he denies that he lies. I sometimes think he actually believes his own lies. - Sheila, Toledo, Ohio.

SHEILA: You already know what my answer is going to be. Maybe you just want to see it in writing so you can read it over and over, then do what has to be done.

Tell Scott goodbye. If he can't be honest with you in an elementary way, there's no way the two of you could build a life together.

With a father in prison, he has an obvious motivation to try to embroider a few improvements on the situation he's been handed, but his lying is over the edge. He can't control it. More troubling still is his complete refusal to acknowledge he has a problem. You'd never know where you were with a guy like this.

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'TWEEN 12 AND 20

Wednesday, June 25

By Dr. Robert Wallace

Copley News Service

Suicide rate for teens remains high

DR. WALLACE: You stated that teens have the second highest rate of suicide than any other age group. Do you know of any studies that back up the theory that teens have a high rate of suicides? Sure a few teens take their own lives, but ranking them second highest is hard to believe. I don't doubt your information, I just find it unrealistic. Teens have their entire adult life before them. I'm 16 and love my life. - Stephen, Atlanta.

STEPHEN: For some young people the teen years can be the most trying and painful times in their lives. Teens, including you, are trying to establish an identity, learning to operate independently, growing physically and intellectually, choosing a career and developing love relationships. Some succeed while others, for many reasons, fail and failure can be emotionally devastating. A leading cause of emotional trauma are the impossible demands placed on teens by parents who then reject them for failing to live up to parental expectations and that makes the teen feel worthless.

When a teen commits suicide, family factors are the commonly cited cause. Death, divorce, alcoholism, drug abuse and child abuse add to teen loneliness and depression.

Researchers at the University of Southern California interviewed 6,000 teens who had attempted suicide and compared their life histories with those of a group of teens who had never tried suicide.

The self-destructive teens had a much higher percentage of parents who had divorced, separated or remarried within the past five years. Multiple separations - being shunted from relatives to foster homes, missing the support of parents - deprived the suicide-prone teens of the love and nurturing every child needs. The study traced the path to suicide from family problems to a second stage; school failures, truancy, loneliness and depression.

In the third and final phase, the teen tries to fasten onto someone. This relationship is so clinging, so smothering, that it can't last. When it fails, the teen feels hopeless and isolated. He or she thinks there is only one solution left; self-destruction. Please read the following letter. It will help enlighten you on why teens look to suicide as a way to end pain.

DR. WALLACE: I'd like to inform parents who have teens who suffer from depression to take it very seriously and see that they receive professional counseling. Depression should not be taken lightly or viewed as simply a phase that will be outgrown.

I was depressed for six years and for three of those years I was suicidal. My parents chose to ignore it. As a result, I tried to kill myself when I was in the ninth grade. (I am now in my first year of college.) Depression often turns to suicidal feelings, and there are a lot more teens who feel suicidal than parents would care to admit.

Teens and parents: If you know a friend or family member who suffers from depression, see that this person gets professional help immediately. Very often the depressed person is not capable of finding help by himself.

I might still suffer from depression if my grandmother hadn't taken me to a therapist. Thanks, Nanna! - Nameless, Somewhere in Indiana.

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'TWEEN 12 AND 20

Thursday, June 26

By Dr. Robert Wallace

Copley News Service

Don't blame theft on marijuana

DR. WALLACE: Last weekend I smoked marijuana for the first time with my best friend. We really got high and decided to go to the mall and hang out. It took half an hour for us to walk there. The first thing we did was buy and eat two large bags of potato chips because we had the munchies.

Then we went into a department store and decided to steal some clothes, but we were arrested outside the store. The police took us to the police station. They called our parents who came down and picked us up. Now I'm in big trouble because I'm 16 and the store is going to press charges.

This is my problem: I wouldn't have been involved in shoplifting if I hadn't been under the influence of marijuana. If I told my parents about using pot, I'd be in more trouble, but at least they would know why their daughter did something that she never would have done if she hadn't been high. - Nameless, Jackson, Miss.

NAMELESS: Smoking marijuana is unhealthy and against the law and can be blamed for some things, but not for your shoplifting spree. You took the clothes without paying because you wanted to and being high had no influence in the theft.

TEEN NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR COUSIN'S ACTIONS

DR. WALLACE: I made a huge mistake! I introduced my best girlfriend to my cousin and they really hit it off. The problem is that it turned out that my cousin is a jerk, but I wasn't aware of that when I told my best friend that I had a "cool" cousin and I'd play Cupid and get them together. My cousin treats my friend like dirt. He calls her filthy names in front of others, slaps her around and spends her money.

I've tried to convince my friend to dump this guy, but she says that she is addicted to him and that she actually loves him and she would never leave him. Now I feel all of this is my fault. I made a huge mistake introducing them, but it was an honest mistake.

What can I do to get my friend to realize that she should end this twisted romance? - Nameless, Paterson, N.J.

NAMELESS: Once you introduced your friend to your cousin, you are not responsible for their behavior and what they do is not your fault.

Let's hope your friend takes your advice and rids herself of this despicable loser. Be there if she needs you and I'm sure she will.

PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL

DR. WALLACE: About a month ago I met a guy at an Atlanta Hawks basketball game. He appeared to be a nice guy, so I gave him my address and phone number. Last week he sent me a beautiful flower arrangement with a note saying he would like to take me out. He asked me to call him if I was interested and he wrote his phone number.

I would like to see him, but I feel funny calling him. I am 19 and he is 22. What should I do? I don't like the idea of girls chasing guys. - Pam, Atlanta.

PAM: Since he contacted you first, in a very nice way, I must say, forget about the notion that you are chasing him. Call him!

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'TWEEN 12 AND 20

Friday, June 27

By Dr. Robert Wallace

Copley News Service

Sister is not thinking rationally

DR. WALLACE: I'm a 16-year-old guy and live with my parents and my 19-year-old sister. She has been seeing a guy for over a year and it wouldn't surprise me if they got married in the next few years. Her boyfriend has a sister my age. I've seen her several times when our two families have been together. She is very nice and not bad looking.

Last Saturday I was at the mall with a buddy and I saw her and a friend in a bookstore and we stopped and said hello. Before we left, I asked "Cindy" if she would go out with me sometime and she said, "Call me."

When I came home I told my sister about seeing Cindy and said I had asked her out. I thought she'd be happy for me, but she said she didn't want me to go out with Cindy. When I asked why, she said it would be "too heavy" for a brother and a sister to be dating a brother and a sister.

I don't think her philosophy makes sense. What do you think? Please hurry with your answer. - Zack, Ft. Walton Beach, Fla.

ZACK: I think your sister is not thinking rationally. Identical twins have married identical twins and had successful marriages. My father married my mother and his brother married my mother's sister and they all lived happily ever after - well, as happily as two Irish couples could!

GUYS GO FOR LOOKS

DR. WALLACE: I'm 17 and the guy I'm dating is 18. I'm considered rather attractive, but the guy I'm dating is no Brad Pitt. He's not ugly, but he definitely is not handsome. Still, he is very popular at school. His main asset is that he has a marvelous sense of humor and he knows how to make me laugh. My older brother keeps telling me that Mike isn't a good catch and with my looks I could do much better.

Do guys and girls look for different things when dating? Is this possible? My brother and his male buddies are always talking about all the good-looking "babes" they have dated. My girlfriends and I talk about the neat guys we know, but rarely do we zero in on their looks. - Melissa, Dothan, Ala.

MELISSA: Several years ago, I asked readers what attribute they considered most important in a member of the opposite sex when it comes to dating. The choices were: intelligence, looks, personality and a good sense of humor, being alcohol- and drug-free, being of the same race and religion, and having use of a motor vehicle.

A total of 4,642 teens (3,102 girls, 1,540 boys) responded. For the girls, 49 percent listed being alcohol- and drug-free as most important, followed by personality and sense of humor (27 percent), intelligence (11 percent), same race and religion (9), looks (3 percent), and use of a vehicle (1 percent).

Not surprisingly, the boys had different priorities when selecting a date. For them, looks ranked first (34 percent), closely followed by personality and sense of humor (33 percent), intelligence (14 percent), same race and religion (11 percent), being alcohol- and drug-free (7 percent) and use of a motor vehicle (1 percent).

This was not a scientific survey, but I believe it gives a pretty accurate picture of what males and females look for in each other.

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'TWEEN 12 AND 20

Saturday, June 28

By Dr. Robert Wallace

Copley News Service

If you truly love him, marry him

DR. WALLACE: I'm 19 and dating a guy who is 23. He's a good guy and he says he loves me and wants to marry me. I care for him a lot and marriage to him is a possibility.

The problem is John's mother. When I was 16, I got pregnant and since I don't believe in abortion I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Alyssa is now 2 and lives with my mother and me. She is most important in my life and I love her with all my heart and soul. Of course, John is aware of Alyssa and seems to like her. John and his mother are close because he is an only child and she raised him by herself after John's father was killed in an auto crash when John was 7. John's mother despises me because I am an unwed mother. She rarely talks to me and lately I have refused to go to her house because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. John admits that his mother doesn't like me and doesn't want him to marry me, but he thinks that, in time, she will come around and learn to accept me. He also admits that she will probably never accept Alyssa as her granddaughter.

This makes me feel very uneasy. I'm well aware that it's entirely up to me to decide if I want to marry John, but I'd appreciate your input. - Nameless, St. Catharines, Ontario.

NAMELESS: Plan to marry John only when you are convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that he loves you and will be a wonderful, loving father to Alyssa and that you truly love him and want to share the rest of your life with him.

If the love I mentioned is evident, it will overpower the close tie between John and his mother. If John won't concede that his mother will slide to No. 3 in importance in his life, behind you and Alyssa, do not consider marrying him. If that's the case, he's not ready for such a commitment and his mother's influence will erode the marriage.

EAT SLOW AND HELP KEEP THE POUNDS OFF

DR. WALLACE: I'm a 17-year-old girl and I have a tendency to gain weight so I am constantly looking for ways to stay slim and healthy. I drink low-fat milk and eat low-fat cheese. I count calories, but still it's a struggle. My parents are both very heavy, so I guess I'll always be struggling with my weight. I read somewhere that slow eaters don't gain as much weight as fast eaters. If that's true, I'll slow down. I literally inhale my food because I'm always so hungry. - Rachel, Cumberland, Md.

RACHEL: It's true that slow eaters generally don't gain as much weight as fast eaters. It takes the stomach about 20 minutes to tell the brain that it's full. Just think how much food you can cram down in those 20 minutes!

HEAD FOR THE SHELTER

DR. WALLACE: For my 12th birthday my parents said I could have a pet. My dad wants to buy me a purebred cocker spaniel because I like cocker spaniels. My friend's mother told me I should check with the animal shelter because they have a lot of dogs that I might like. Do shelters have cocker spaniels? - Katelyn, Toledo, Ohio.

KATELYN: I love animals of all shapes, sizes and types, and especially those in animal shelters. You will find almost all breeds, including the cutest mixed-breed cocker spaniel in all of Toledo. Dad will be happy, too, because when you select a pooch from the shelter, the money he saves can be put to good use caring for "Daisy."

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Write to him at Copley News Service, P.O. Box 120190, San Diego, CA 92112 or e-mail him at rwallace@galesburg.net.

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