Andy Borowitz from Creators Syndicate

McCain Vows to Campaign in All 13 Colonies for 06/21/2008

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Republican presidential nominee John McCain officially kicked off his general election campaign today, promising to bring his race for the White House to “all 13 colonies.”

At a campaign stop in the Dominion of Virginia, Sen. McCain said that if his Democratic opponent, Sen. Barack Obama, takes any of the 13 colonies for granted, “he doth so at his peril.”

Sen. McCain made his rem ...

Updated: Sat Jun 21, 2008

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Cindy McCain Robot Gets New Head for 06/26/2008

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 00:00:00 -0700

State-of-the-Art Head Stores 2,000 Recipes

"We have the technology."

That was the message out of the McCain camp today as Sen. John McCain unveiled a newly refurbished Cindy McCain robot, featuring a state-of-the-art replacement head.

While the Cindy McCain robot had been a fixture during the primary campaign, appearing at the senator's side at hundreds of ...

Updated: Thu Jun 26, 2008

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McCain Propose Tax Holiday for Beer Heiresses for 07/05/2008

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Says Brewery Scions Could Lead Economic Revival

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain unveiled details of his economic policy today, telling an audience in Ohio that if elected, he would support a real-estate tax holiday for beer heiresses. Sen. McCain said that his tax-holiday plan could lead to a revival for the U.S. economy, arguing, “The key to this country' ...

Updated: Sat Jul 05, 2008

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Liberal Bloggers Accuse Obama of Trying to Win Election for 07/12/2008

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Nominee Called Traitor to Democrats' Losing Tradition

The liberal blogosphere was aflame today with new accusations that Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) is trying to win the 2008 presidential election.

Suspicions about Sen. Obama's true motives have been building during the past few weeks, but not until today have the bloggers called him out for betraying the Democratic Party's ...

Updated: Sat Jul 12, 2008

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Obama Releases List of Approved Jokes About Himself for 07/19/2008

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Bid to Help Late Night Comics

Saying he is "sympathetic to late night comedians' struggle to find jokes to make about me," Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) today issued a list of official campaign-approved Barack Obama jokes.

The five jokes, which Sen. Obama said he is making available to all comedians free of charge, are as follows:

Barack Obama and a kangaroo ...

Updated: Sat Jul 19, 2008

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McCain Makes Historic First Visit to Internet for 07/26/2008

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Will Spend Five Days at Key Sites

In a daring bid to wrench attention from his Democratic rival in the 2008 presidential race, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) today embarked on a historic first-ever visit to the Internet.

Given that the Arizona Republican had never logged onto the Internet before, advisers acknowledged that his first foray into the World Wide Web was frau ...

Updated: Sat Jul 26, 2008

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Obama Leads McCain in Frequent Flyer Miles for 08/02/2008

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Could Qualify For Free Trip to Maui, Aides Say

In what some political insiders are calling a major victory for the presumptive Democratic nominee, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) easily surpassed his GOP rival, Sen. John McCain, in total frequent flyer miles for the month of July.

While polls show the two candidates locked in a close electoral race, Sen. Obama's impressive freq ...

Updated: Sat Aug 02, 2008

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Britney, Paris Air Savage Anti-McCain Ad for 08/09/2008

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Just days after Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) broadcast an anti-Obama ad in which he compared the presumptive Democratic nominee to celebrities Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, the two tabloid mainstays fought back with an eviscerating anti-McCain spot of their own.

While Spears and Hilton said they had planned to remain on the sidelines during the 2008 presidential campaign, Sen. McCain's ...

Updated: Sat Aug 09, 2008

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Athlete Without Compelling Personal Drama Expelled from Olympics for 08/16/2008

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Diver Hid Details of Intact Family

A member of the U.S. Olympic diving team was disqualified from competition today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human storyline to exploit on the NBC telecast of the worldwide sporting event.

Tracy Klujian, the expelled diver, was not raised by a single mother, never had a career-threatening injury, and ...

Updated: Sat Aug 16, 2008

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China's Gold Medals Found to Have High Lead Content for 08/23/2008

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Phelps Warned Not to Lick Medals

China's impressive haul of gold medals at the Beijing Olympics was tarnished somewhat today when it was revealed that "abnormally high levels of lead" were found in the first-place medallions.

The medals, which were supposed to be made entirely of gold, were instead found to be composed of 99 percent lead alloy and coated with a g ...

Updated: Sat Aug 23, 2008

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In Week Before Labor Day, Pointless "Filler" Columns Abound for 08/30/2008

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Lazy Columnists Pad Out Stories by Quoting Experts, Experts Say

In a phenomenon that occurs every year in the week before Labor Day, national columnists across America are filing pointless, content-free "filler" columns, enabling the lazy scribes to hit the beach earlier, according to observers who have been following this trend.

The "filler" columns ar ...

Updated: Sat Aug 30, 2008

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Poll: Obama Faring Poorly Among Racists for 09/06/2008

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Bigots Oppose Barack by 1,000-to-1 Margin

In a potentially ominous sign for the Democratic nominee, a new poll shows Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) trailing far behind GOP standard bearer Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) among voters who identify themselves as racists.

Pundits and pollsters alike have wondered about the role racists might play in the 2008 presidential contest, but t ...

Updated: Sat Sep 06, 2008

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Pit Bull Owners Blast Palin for 09/13/2008

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Comparison "Offensive," Dog Fanciers Complain

Alaska governor Sarah Palin, who famously compared herself to a pit bull in her vice-presidential acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, appears to have antagonized a key voting bloc in the upcoming election, the nation's pit bull owners.

While Gov. Palin's assertion that the only difference between ...

Updated: Sat Sep 13, 2008

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Palin Uses Magic 8-Ball in ABC Interview for 09/20/2008

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Offers Three Answers to Eighty Questions

GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin said today that she was "delighted" with her performance in a much-publicized ABC News interview with Charlie Gibson and gave credit to her "trusty Magic 8-Ball" for helping her come up with answers to "some darn tricky questions."

"Charlie brought his A-ga ...

Updated: Sat Sep 20, 2008

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McCain Attacks Washington, Republicans, Old White Men with White Hair for 09/27/2008

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Most Ironic Speech to Date, Experts Say

In what some political observers are calling his most ironic speech of the 2008 campaign, GOP presidential nominee John McCain today lashed out at Washington, the Republican Party and a group of insiders he called "old white men with white hair."

"It's time to take our country back," Sen. McCain told his audience ...

Updated: Sat Sep 27, 2008

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McCain Replaces Palin with Startled Deer for 10/04/2008

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Hoofed Running Mate Could Be Game-Changer

With less than a week to go before the crucial vice-presidential debate, GOP presidential nominee John McCain announced today that he was replacing his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, with a startled deer.

According to campaign insiders, the decision to select a hoofed mammal to replace Gov. Palin evolved after Sen. McCain w ...

Updated: Sat Oct 04, 2008

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Palin Blasts Obama's Ties to Weather Channel for 10/11/2008

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

"Palling Around with Meteorologists," Guv Claims

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin went on the attack today, claiming that Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama has longstanding ties to The Weather Channel.

"What does it say about our opponent that he thinks this nation's weather is so imperfect that he needs to be allied with The Weather Channel?" she ask ...

Updated: Sat Oct 11, 2008

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McCain Holds Auditions for Angry Mob for 10/18/2008

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Open Casting Call for Irate White People

With just three weeks to go until Election Day, the McCain campaign has launched a nationwide talent search to find angry audience members for their increasingly hate-filled rallies, McCain aides confirmed today.

"People assume that when we hold a rally, angry white people just magically appear, but that's not the case," s ...

Updated: Sat Oct 18, 2008

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Andy Borowitz, November 1 for 11/01/2008

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0700

After the success of Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama's 30-minute infomercial Thursday night, the Obama campaign has confirmed that he will produce another one, this time to unveil a new breakthrough in exercise technology that will guarantee all Americans "sexy, rock-hard abs."

While most political insiders suspected that Sen. Obama would use costly airtime once ag ...

Updated: Sat Nov 01, 2008

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Failure to Blow Election Stuns Democratic Party Faithful Mourn End to Losing Tradition for 11/08/2008

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Just minutes after their party's longstanding losing tradition lay in tatters on the ground, millions of shell-shocked Democrats stared at their television screens in disbelief, asking themselves what went right.

For Democrats, who have become accustomed to their party blowing an election even when it seemed like a sure thing, Tuesday night's results were a bitter pill to swallow. The head-sha ...

Updated: Sat Nov 08, 2008

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