David Harsanyi from Creators Syndicate

We're With Stupid for 10/16/2008

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Republicans are generally convinced that Democrats are a bunch of self-destructive naive Commies. Democrats, conversely, assume a healthy majority of Republicans boast the IQs of spotted toads.

Well, the good folks at the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press recently measured the political acumen of more than 3,000 adults and found that we're equally uninformed and both rid ...

Updated: Thu Oct 16, 2008

The Lighter Side of the Election Battle for 10/22/2008

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

At the height of the 1968 presidential campaign, Richard Nixon appeared on the hit show "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In" and, in a flash of pop culture history, asked, "Sock it to me?"

"Laugh-In" featured a running bit during which guests and cast members were tricked into saying "sock it to me" and then were drenched with water or assaulted in some ...

Updated: Wed Oct 22, 2008

Heck, We Spend More on Pornography for 10/29/2008

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Politics wasn't invented to be clean, positive and reassuring. It was invented so that one group could beat the holy hell out of another. To do that, they need money. Lots of it.

All told, candidates for the presidency have raised more than $1.5 billion since January 2007. That staggering sum is bound to arouse dismay in all high-minded people. And remember, we're not even counting all t ...

Updated: Wed Oct 29, 2008

If It Redistributes Like a Duck … for 10/30/2008

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Barack Obama is going to fix the economy by "spreading the wealth around"?

Now, I'm not attempting to demonize Obama, God forbid. It's just that, as we all know, that's what Obama told Joe the Plumber.

Obama laughs off the charge of socialist behavior — and to be fair, socialism isn't the precise term to affix to his ideas. It's more like Robin Hood economics. On a ...

Updated: Thu Oct 30, 2008

Unity? No, Thank You for 11/05/2008

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Unity: n. the state of being one; oneness — especially when your chosen political party happens to win an election.

Barack Obama is now my president. Though I wonder whether irascible Democrats who rode around with those snazzy bumper stickers reading "He's not my president" for the past eight years realize the irony of their call for national harmony.

Let's hope t ...

Updated: Wed Nov 05, 2008

Ornate Expectations for 11/06/2008

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

For decades, we've dealt with shattered expectations and broken promises. That stinker Herbert Hoover guaranteed "a car in every garage." Lyndon Johnson pledged to wipe out "poverty." Bush the Father said "no new taxes" with a passion that made his broken pledge doubly infuriating.

With this in mind, I was aghast to learn that Barack Obama was attempting to ...

Updated: Thu Nov 06, 2008

Getting Out Of the Republican Coma for 11/12/2008

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

The Republican National Committee recently launched a Web site devoted to giving "users the opportunity to discuss their reasons for being a member of the Grand Old Party and what being a Republican means to them."

It means having their butts kicked — big-time. The rest, I assure you, is a profound mystery.

So the battle for the heart and soul of the Republican Par ...

Updated: Wed Nov 12, 2008

Baseball, Apple Pie and Corporate Welfare for 11/13/2008

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

The public already has cast a landslide vote on the nation's automotive industry. They hate it. And why shouldn't they? The Big Three automakers have generated a level of consumer satisfaction not seen in America since the English started taxing tea in Boston.

The Republican Party also has been peddling a highly disagreeable product. And if they have a desire to regain relevancy, it is i ...

Updated: Thu Nov 13, 2008

She'd Be Perfect for the Job -- (Not!) for 11/19/2008

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

What will Barack Obama's foreign policy look like during his first term? We can ascertain from his rousing words that it will feature equal quantities of peace, love and understanding — except for bin Laden and Taliban types, who will be obliterated "once and for all."

The nation can look forward to an administration that, as Obama has explained, appreciates judgment over ...

Updated: Wed Nov 19, 2008

Who Wants To Live Forever? for 11/20/2008

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Times are bleak. Even a cursory peek at the economy tells us the world is about to go to holy hell. And speaking of holy hell, Iran is on the cusp of building an atomic weapon, so be prepared to meet the Twelfth Imam.

As an eternal killjoy, this all seems about right to me. From the dirt floors of our tiny hovels, I imagine, we will one day congregate around fire pits and entertain emaci ...

Updated: Thu Nov 20, 2008

Maybe It Is a Time for Hope for 11/26/2008

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

As we speak, brilliant pundits from across the nation are contemplating the entirely irrelevant question of whether we are a center-left or center-right nation. Who cares? Barack Obama is about to plunge us into a Marxist dictatorship, remember? Red bandanas? Re-education camps?

Or not.

We are two months away from any real-time decisions or major initiatives offered by the Obama a ...

Updated: Wed Nov 26, 2008

Giving Up on God (Sort Of) for 12/03/2008

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Do we need God in politics?

Washington Post columnist Kathleen Parker recently penned a provocative column titled "Giving Up on God," wherein she suggested that the Republican Party ditch G-O-D. The piece so rankled James Dobson (Ph.D. in divine insight) that he compared Parker to that seditious bum Benedict Arnold.

Among factions of conservatism, there is a general will ...

Updated: Wed Dec 03, 2008

Welcome to VirtualCrimes.gov for 12/04/2008

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

If rumor-mongering, poor taste, gratuitous jerkiness and adolescent skulduggery on the Internet are now considered federal crimes, well, you can imagine, there won't be much of an Internet left.

And if we allow government officials to charge citizens with criminal behavior over their online interactions and conversations, we have permitted a frightening precedent.

Yet a couple of ...

Updated: Thu Dec 04, 2008

'Nyet' to Car Industry Bailout for 12/10/2008

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

A "car czar" is an imprecise title. It conjures up a romantic era of Russian tyrants and Fabergé eggs. No, the control economy that Congress is slopping out these days is begging for a "car commissar," not a czar.

Nancy Pelosova has floated the idea of a national auto czar who would oversee the restructuring of the American car business. She would like to see t ...

Updated: Wed Dec 10, 2008

Read This Bleeping Column for 12/11/2008

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Some experts claim that the English language contains nearly a million words — approximately 30 of them classified as curses. In Ephesians 4:29, it clearly states, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths."

Still, every now and then, filthy language can come in handy.

My first foray into journalism was under the tutelage of a legendary sportscaster, ...

Updated: Thu Dec 11, 2008

I Don't Trust You People for 12/17/2008

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Unlike many of my more tolerant fellow citizens, I possess no confidence in the ability of the American electorate to make sensible decisions. I have reached this conclusion based on an incontrovertible truth: You people will believe anything.

This reality confronts me daily, as I am bombarded with fiercely stupid conspiracy theories from the exceptionally unwell. Worse, even people I on ...

Updated: Wed Dec 17, 2008

Bitters Clingers for 12/18/2008

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

What is a rational American to do during tumultuous economic times? Well, typically, you get sloshed.

The Mayo Clinic tells us, "High levels of stress, anxiety or emotional pain can lead some people to drink alcohol to block out the turmoil." So predictably, the sales of spirits, beer and wine have risen as the Dow Jones has tanked.

Drinking can be fun. But other behavio ...

Updated: Thu Dec 18, 2008

Laissez-Faire Punditry for 12/24/2008

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Celebrated progressive doyenne Arianna Huffington recently penned a brilliantly absurd piece, titled "Laissez-Faire Capitalism Should Be as Dead as Soviet Communism."

Huffington argues, in effect, that communism and "laissez-faire" (minimal-intervention) capitalism are equivalent ideological extremes.

Sure, one of these philosophies spurred the murder and miser ...

Updated: Wed Dec 24, 2008

Don't Do It; You're Perfect Already for 12/31/2008

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Each year, on or around Jan. 1, a substantial number of reasonable Americans embark on the futile task of pledging to eliminate one toxic activity or another from their lives. Don't. You're already perfect.

It should be noted that though a large number of you plan to make New Year's resolutions, around 60 percent of Americans say they are likely not to make any changes in 2009, according ...

Updated: Wed Dec 31, 2008

Get Out of the Way, You Old Fogies for 01/07/2009

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Warning: This column is replete with ageism, a hazardous prejudice to have in a nation growing progressively older.

The average American's life expectancy (or, as it's referred to in Washington, the "junior senator") is now a crusty 77 years of age.

The hippies told us not to trust anyone older than 30. What about 70? There are 22 senators who have reached this seasoned ...

Updated: Wed Jan 07, 2009