Celebrities or Not, Dads Do Matter

"I'll kill all y'all."

Imagine looking at the man whose DNA you carry standing in your home, telling you those chilling words as he wields a shotgun.

That is a frightening image. But, according to former Major League Baseball star Darryl Strawberry, it was an actual scene, one that begins his new book, "Straw: Finding My Way."

I vividly remember not only the towering home runs hit by the former star — who played for four big league teams, including the New York Mets and Yankees — but also, of course, the many times he was in the news for negative reasons: failing drug tests, beating wives, getting cancer twice, going to prison. He was a man fighting enormous demons.

Yet there is one consistent theme that runs throughout and sheds a spotlight on a figure who continues to plague neighborhoods all across the country: the missing-in-action father.

In "Straw," Strawberry repeatedly makes the point that he does not blame his dad for the trials and tribulations in his life; he says he has made all his decisions willingly. But he does speak to the issue of having a father who, by Strawberry's account, while technically in the house, was a raging drunk and spent his paychecks doing what he wanted, showing no love or affection toward his children, viciously beating Strawberry and his other son, all while telling them that they would be nothing in life.

"I grew up in an inner city, South Central Los Angeles," he told me in an interview. "When you grow up in the inner cities, most young men don't have a father figure around. Most mothers are raising the kids."

He later said: "I loved playing baseball; I loved playing basketball; excelling and achieving my goals was my own personal goals, but inside, I just never loved myself. I can remember the times when I excelled in baseball … and the cheers and the glitter and everything that came along with it, but you know what, Roland? When I went home at night, here was I again … (asking), 'Who am I?'"

The cynical in our world undoubtedly will say, "Who cares about a drugged-out, washed-up ballplayer?" But the mental damage that Strawberry says wreaked havoc on him as a child cannot be discounted, and it's something that millions of young children, especially boys, are growing up with every day.

This isn't a tale of the stereotypical black athlete who grows up with the black father not in the home, leading to the cycle of violence and lack of family unity we see all around the country. Strawberry's dad was there. But, according to the former ballplayer, he was a horrible father. And right now, there are also young white boys in suburban and rural America who have dads at home physically, yet their fathers have checked out mentally and emotionally. And the same goes for Hispanics and Asians.

It has gotten to the point that a mother is considered essential in a family, but a father is optional, expendable and increasingly irrelevant.

I remember watching an OnStar commercial. As the ad touted the product's features, it showed a father driving his child around.

Then the kid started to cry, and the dad freaked out and had to call the mom to calm the baby down. I watched that and said: "Man, it's your child, too! So calm it!"

Then there is the commercial — I don't even remember what it pitches — with two or three kids making a mess by spilling cereal. The hapless and hopeless dad looks at them and says, "Where is your mom?" Every time that commercial comes on, I scream at the TV: "Where is your mom? Where are your parenting skills?!"

See, I take seriously the importance of fathers — men — in the lives of children. My wife and I don't have children of our own, but we are raising four of my nieces because they were struggling at home. They need to see a husband and a wife caring for them and instilling the right values in their lives.

I am convinced that our city streets have turned into killing fields because dads have abdicated their responsibility to raise their children. Yes, mom is vital. But there is something different about having dad speak, lecture, console, discipline, embrace, love and care.

Our schools are filled with children losing their minds, and teachers are unable to control them. When that happens, typically mom, grandma or an aunt comes to the school to deal with the problem. Ask a teacher or principal today; that person will say he or she rarely sees dads.

My mom has gotten ticked at times because I often talk more about my father than I do about her on TV and radio. It's not that I don't love or appreciate her. I do it because it is rare to hear men, especially black men, speaking positively about their fathers.

I know what it means to have a dad who raises and cares for his child and does not see his child in a drive-by style or just send checks. Dads must be present and accounted for and play vital roles in their children's lives.

That's why I appreciated it when Barack Obama spoke about the issue of fatherhood on the campaign trail. We all know that his father left when he was 2 years old. And, yes, he was able to be successful. But for every person like Obama, there are numerous boys who aren't able to hold it together.

I've called on pastors nationwide to stop the stream of mamas, grandmothers, aunts and female cousins coming to altars for baby dedications with no men in sight. Each of those pastors should say, "Until I personally meet with the father, I will not dedicate this child." Somebody has to hold men accountable for their actions.

It's time that men hold their "boys" accountable. Actor Hill Harper has a friend who once said that he hadn't seen his child in some time, but he had found time to play basketball with Harper. Hill said, "Unless you call your child now, we can't play ball." See, Hill had to force him to accept his responsibilities.

The failure of manhood in America — fatherhood — has reached epidemic proportions. And unless our religious and cultural institutions say enough is enough, we are going to see another generation of children grow up with dad absent and unaccounted for.

It's time for men to man up so children can grow up with amounts of love and affection from their dads that are equal to the amounts they get from their moms.

Roland S. Martin is an award-winning CNN contributor and the author of "Listening to the Spirit Within: 50 Perspectives on Faith." Please visit his Web site at www.RolandSMartin.com. To find out more about Roland S. Martin and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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